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CURL: Obama, Biden, Clinton — a fly on the wall hears all
Question of the Day
President Obama, Vice President Joseph R. Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton met in the White House on Thursday. This is, according to a nonpartisan fly that happened to be on the wall, a firsthand, verbatim account of their conversation:
BIDEN: Knock knock, BO, it's me, JB. Joe — Joe Biden.
OBAMA: I know, Joe. No one else says "knock knock" to an open door. Come in, sit down. And leave your SuperSoaker by the door, Joe, this isn't play time. It's serious time.
BIDEN: Aw, BO, c'mon, it wasn't that bad. I just said, "They're going to put y'all back in chains." You said to ramp up the racial undertones. How was I supposed to know that there were hundreds of black lawyers in the audience, and that I was in the state that elected the first black governor since Reconstruction — Montana.
OBAMA: Virginia, Joe, Virginia. It was right on your schedule. It's where we got that great burger that one time, remember? Right next to Washington, D.C., the other way from Maryland.
BIDEN: Oh, right. I've been there.
OBAMA: Yes, yes, you have. Joe, remember when we talked about Virginia, how I really, really need to win it this time, like, I'm probably not going to be president again if I don't, and then you'll be out of a job? Remember?
BIDEN: I remember you said "job," but I didn't really get it — I just nodded a lot and gave you the "finger guns," like I do when I don't get something. "Peww, peww, pewww." Gotcha!
OBAMA: "Job," Joe, "job." Remember, those few months after college and before you entered politics, 50 years ago, job, working, up in the morning, off to "the job"?
BIDEN: Vaguely. Hated it. Had to do stuff all the time. My law firm was awful. But that's just 'cuz the government wasn't there to help me create my business, right? I mean, like you said, no one creates a business by themselves. It takes government. I tried; didn't work. I'm sleepy — is it time to go to Delaware yet?
OBAMA: Joe, it's 11 a.m. On Thursday. Much more work to do. Week ends Friday, 5 p.m. for you, just like everyone else.
BIDEN: Awww, but …
OBAMA: Joey, seriously, we gotta talk.
BIDEN: Wait, I heard a new joke BO: A rabbi, a priest and a negro walk into a bar. The bartender says …
OBAMA: #$%&*@! Joe, that's what I'm talking about. And @#$%&, for the last time, no, I'm not going to pull your finger. Sit, Hillary's almost here.
[HILLARY SWEEPS IN, SWIPES EVERYTHING OFF THE DESK, FLOPS DOWN IN OBAMA'S CHAIR, KICKS FEET UP]
CLINTON: Sit down, boys.
OBAMA: Hill, you're in my …
CLINTON: Cork it, BO. Nobody likes a whiner. Pretend it's 3 a.m. I'm taking the call. So, Joe. Joe? Look at me!
BIDEN: No. You're going to yell at me again.
CLINTON: @#$%&* right I am! We had a @#$%&* deal: You get veep for the first term, I get it for second. We were supposed to swap, but now everyone's talking about your "diminished capacity," your nonstop gaffes. When I go over to Israel, I can't just shoot from the hip. And I mean "when" — I haven't gone yet, so maybe I mean "if."
BIDEN: But Hill, I …
CLINTON: Zip it, Plagiarism Boy. This ain't beanbag. Did those hairplugs dig all the way into your cerebral cortex? I've forgotten more than you know about politics. We had a deal: You veep, then me veep.
OBAMA: What if we got him a teleprompter, Hill? They're great — and if I'd'a had one that day I wouldn't have said that "If you've got a business, you didn't build that — somebody else made that happen" thing. Man, I wouldn't've said a lot of things. Sometimes I just get going and …
CLINTON: We tried that. Joe, remember when you introduced your "buddy," Chuck Graham? Told him to stand up? He's crippled. In a wheelchair. Nice work. That was five years ago — it never stops. Last week, you said: "Where's it written we cannot lead the world in the 20th century in making automobiles?" Really? Dude, it's 2012. And FYI, we didn't lead the 20th century in cars. We started off strong, but unions killed the industry and everyone else took over. Don't tell anyone I said that but …
BIDEN: Aww, Hill, don't be mad. I could still say I've got a really bad stomachache and I gotta stop being vice president, but it's not so bad I can't just move over to secretary of state.
CLINTON: Forget it, Doughboy. It's done. We can't swap now. It'll have to wait until the next term — after BO starts that war with Iran. Then you could get in there and solve the whole mess, maybe suggest we partition the country, like you did with Iraq. So get ready, Joe: I'm veep come Jan. 21.
OBAMA: But we'll have to win in November, Hill. If not, we'll ALL have to go out and get a real job.
BIDEN: Job? Tell me again what that is?
• Joseph Curl covered the White House and politics for a decade for The Washington Times. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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