Winner of the 2012 Jerry Sandusky “Touched” Award for Most Retroactively Awful Book Title — CIA Director David H. Petraeus resigned after admitting he engaged in an extramarital affair with hagiographer Paula Broadwell, whose book on Mr. Petraeus was titled “All In.”
Winner of the 2012 Jill Kelley Award for 911 Call Transcript That Sounds Most Like Lost Lyrics from “I Am the Walrus” — After news crews came to the home of Jill Kelley, the Tampa, Fla., socialite and associate of Mr. Petraeus, she called an emergency dispatcher and said “I’m an honorary consul general, so I have inviolability.”
Not-so-secret servicing — After a member of a Secret Service advance team got into a heated argument with a Colombian escort over compensation, nearly a dozen agents resigned or were fired when an investigation revealed widespread use of prostitutes.
On the plus side, there’s at least one federal agency that would never create a national scandal by arguing over compensation — Employees of the General Services Administration were blasted by Congress for holding a 2010 Las Vegas conference that cost taxpayers $830,000 and included $6,325 for commemorative coins and $3,200 for a session with a mind reader.
Surprisingly, none of the trades involved Facebook’s IPO — A JPMorgan Chase banker nicknamed “The London Whale” incurred $6.2 billion in trading losses, prompting a federal investigation.
Surprisingly, not a single word mentioned Facebook’s IPO — Goldman Sachs lost $2.15 billion of its market value after a former employee wrote a scathing New York Times op-ed column accusing the firm of being more driven by profits than its clients’ best interests.
“Trust me: I know structurally flawed banking systems” — Following a massive scandal involving United Kingdom banks fixing the Libor interbank lending rate, U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke told a Senate committee that the Libor system was “structurally flawed.”
Just imagine if the Maps app actually worked — Apple became the world’s most valuable company.
Or, as it’s also known, “water” — A store in New York City’s East Village reportedly was selling “artisanal water.”
The Republic is saved! — Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced that the company’s Washington-area stores would write “Come Together” on customers’ coffee cups to encourage lawmakers to reach a long-term budget agreement.
Science and technology
Because a particle named for Mitt Romney’s position on health care or the Obama administration’s Benghazi explanations would have been a total mouthful — Scientists announced in July that they had discovered a new particle that may be the elusive Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God particle” for being everywhere and elusive at the same time.
Donald Trump works for NASA? — After the chief scientist for NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity said that soil sample data gathered by the machine was destined “for the history books” — setting off frenzied speculation that the rover had discovered organic compounds — the agency clarified that it actually had found water, sulfur and chlorine-containing substances.
Well, that’s one way to prepare for the fiscal cliff — Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner set a record for the highest sky-dive by jumping off a balloon 24 miles above Earth and landing safely.