Hey, look — it’s Congress’ approval rating! — Hollywood director James Cameron became the first human to solo dive to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean’s 6.8 mile-deep Marianas Trench.
Someone alert the Nobel Prize committee — Prominent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking called women “a complete mystery.”
In related news, someone cared about the words in a Psy song — “Gangnam Style” Korean pop star Psy apologized for lyrics he rapped in 2004 that called for the deaths of American troops serving in Iraq.
In unrelated news, “50 Shades of Grey” sold more than 30 million copies worldwide — No 2012 Pulitzer Prize was awarded in the fiction category.
Right, just like Batman’s pointy helmet is clearly a nod to Mr. Obama’s ears — Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said the name of main villain in “The Dark Knight Rises” — Bane, a comic-book character created in 1993 — was a Hollywood attempt to smear Mr. Romney’s former firm, Bain Capital.
Stay classy, NBC — While other programs observed a national moment of silence in memory of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, NBC’s “Today” aired a live interview in which Kardashian momager Kris Jenner discussed breast implants.
Because a Psy costume would have been offensive — Singer Chris Brown dressed up as a Taliban fighter on Halloween.
Pot. Kettle. Black. Discuss — Soon after Lance Armstrong declared he would no longer fight the United States Anti-Doping Agency because of “unfairness” and an investigation that was “just not right,” his seven Tour de France victories were voided and he was banned from competitive cycling for life upon USADA’s release of a voluminous report detailing his involvement in the “most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.”
Another job creator punished — Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino was fired after lying to school officials about crashing his motorcycle while transporting his mistress, whom he previously helped get a job with the school’s athletic department.
T.J. Lang for president! — The National Football League’s lockout of its regular officials came to a rapid end after mistake-prone replacement referees prompted national ridicule and scorn, including a tweet from Green Bay player T.J. Lang reading, “[Expletive] it NFL. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs.”
And with that, he stepped into his flux capacitor-powered DeLorean and returned to 1967 — Noting that Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III is black, has a white fiancee and may be a Republican, ESPN pundit Rob Parker asked on television whether Mr. Griffin was “a cornball brother” and “really down with the cause.”
None of the above
Actually, 25,000 signatures seems kind of low — An online petition on the White House’s official public suggestion page calling for the construction of a real-world Death Star received the 25,000 signatures required for an official government response.