- Michigan GOP Senate hopeful reminds government is the ‘servant’
- Christmas, by Congress: Members mull a 15-cent tax on trees
- U.S. unemployment falls to five-year low of 7 percent; 203K jobs added
- World mourns Nelson Mandela and celebrates his life; burial set for Dec. 15
- Bill O’Reilly reminds: Nelson Mandela ‘was a communist’
- John Boehner says GOP should support gay candidates: ‘I do’
- Grass-Whopper: Pan-fried cricket burgers go over big in New York City
- CDC sees measles spike and ‘failure to vaccinate’
- Ex-Secret Service agent seeking Md. seat: Everyone’s a ‘de facto criminal’ now
- New prosthetic hand technology lets amputees feel again
HELLER: Peering into a cracked crystal ball
Here’s a prospective peek at the fun and games of 2013 with the promise that it will be a better year for somebody somewhere.
January:The NHL announces that it has canceled all games for the 2013-14 season as the labor impasse drags on. … Alabama edges Notre Dame 31-28 in college football’s championship game, but there are really no losers as the reviled BCS system expires.
February: Atlanta wins its first Super Bowl by beating New England 28-17 as Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throws three interceptions and a hissy fit on the sideline. … As the Nationals open spring training, manager Davey Johnson says, “If we don’t win the World Series, they can boil me in oil.”
March:The NHL announces that it has canceled all games for the 2014-15 season as the labor impasse drags on. … Georgetown advances to the Final Four by eliminating area rival Maryland 85-81 in an Elite Eight semifinal played in Honolulu.
April: Delivering on his earlier promise, free agent Adam LaRoche re-signs with the Nats on April Fool’s Day as the two parties compromise on a 2½-year contract. …Nearly 45,000 cram into Nationals Park to boo President Obama as he throws out the first ball while wearing a White Sox jacket on Opening Day for the second time.
May: A colt named I’ll Have Another apparently wins the Kentucky Derby but then is disqualified because he ate hay loaded with steroids. …ESPN buys the rights to the Derby through 2025 and says the event will be moved to Bristol, Conn.
June: With the Nats enjoying a nine-game lead in the National League East, Johnson says, “If we don’t win the World Series, they can put me on the rack. … The Houston Rockets come out of nowhere to win the NBA title as Linsanity reigns anew.
July: For the first time, one team supplies all the pitchers in an All-Star Game victory as Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez, Jordan Zimmermann and Ross Detwiler of the Nats blank the American League on six hits.
August: With the Nats in first place by 16 games, Johnson says, “If we don’t win the World Series, they can waterboard both me and my wife.” … The NHL announces that it has canceled all games for the 2015-16 season as the labor impasse drags on.
September: As the Redskins open their 77th season in the nation’s capital, owner Dan Snyder announces that the team has signed Robert Griffin IV, their quarterback’s infant son, to a multiyear contract beginning with the 2035 season. … The Wizards begin training camp under Eddie Jordan, returning for his second coaching tenure with the team because, owner Ted Leonsis says, “He knows how to lose with dignity.”
October: Washington goes crazy as the Nats win the city’s first World Series since 1924, sweeping the Yankees to complete an undefeated postseason. Johnson reneges on an earlier statement that 2013 would be his last season because “I feel like I’m a very young 70.”
November: Mike Shanahan abruptly resigns as coach of the Redskins because “all this town cares about is politics and baseball.” … Bryce Harper of the Nats is named the National League’s MVP after hitting .318 with 31 home runs and 106 RBI and fielding 50,000 “clown questions” about how he could be so good at age 20.
December: Under new coach Kyle Shanahan, the Redskins finish 11-5 to win the NFC East title as Robert Griffin III babysits Robert Griffin IV between offensive series. … Desperate sports columnist promises that 2014 will be a better year for somebody somewhere.
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About the Author
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