All praise be to Allah!
The federal government apparently has eradicated the illegal immigration that cripples America. It has eliminated the staggering unemployment that has brought so much misery to so many families. And, apparently, it has erased the suffocating debt and added enough spunk to the economy that it no longer needs all of those little tax dollars that small businesses provide.
That is why the federal government has so much time these days for fine-tuning our society in ways that might seem frivolous if we didn't have so much patience and extra money lying around.
Just last week, the Department of Homeland Security proudly announced that federal agents had stopped 13,000 "dangerous hair dryers" at the border. The department issued a press release to highlight this daring, successful mission and to remind us how lucky we are to have such diligent protection of our sacred borders.
That's right, 11 million illegals streaming over the Mexican border and what is our federal government hellbent after? Faulty hair dryers. And they're even patting themselves on the back for it.
Also last week, cafeteria Nazis in North Carolina swooped in and saved at least two preschoolers from certain death.
Rifling through suspicious lunchboxes containing homemade materials such as sandwiches, the Nazis discovered at least two mothers who were — either intentionally or in their rank ignorance — attempting to poison their children with turkey and cheese, bananas and apple juice.
The agents — in accordance with federal USDA guidelines — wrestled these illicit lunches from the preschoolers and replaced them with healthful, federally approved "cafeteria nuggets."
Then there was the stunning victory last week of the massive federal government over a little Amish farmer in Pennsylvania who was intentionally and maliciously caring for cows, milking them and then selling the fresh milk produced by the cows he was caring for to willing customers eager for fresh milk.
This, of course, is strictly illegal.
The only way the federal government allows for milk to be sold is if it is cooked, processed and hauled halfway across the country in a giant, silver tanker and normally sold under a luminescent glare in the aisles of a giant grocery store with jingly music piped in.
A man buying a quart of fresh milk from Daniel Allgyer, a farmer he trusts? Well, that is just evil and a threat to proper civilization under the federal government. It is downright subversive.
The cooking and processing and hauling, of course, generally require a big dairy operation where thousands of cows at a time are fed antibiotics to combat all the diseases that are rampant among animals crammed into assembly lines. It also costs a lot of money, which keeps small, menacing Amish farmers with their fresh, great-tasting subversive milk from competing in the milk market.
So last week, after more than a yearlong sting operation including a pre-dawn armed raid — I am not making any of this up — the federal government finally prevailed and the taxpaying, job-providing farmer went out of business. No longer will Big Dairy need to worry about this dangerous merchant of fresh milk.
This is just the kind of constituent service big industries can expect from the federal government in return for the millions and millions of dollars they spend every year lobbying to keep byzantine milk regulations in place.
As for those of us who are suspicious of milk that has the shelf life of uranium or just prefer fresh milk or really despise the federal government, well … maybe we should spend a little more money lobbying.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at email@example.com.