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“I won’t cry,” Mr. Romney said. Then his calculator flickered, and he worried that maybe he might come off as callous or insensitive. So he quickly added: “But I do. I do. Nothing to be ashamed of in that regard.”

The similarities between the two Bay Staters do not end there. Both Mr. Kerry and Mr. Romney look like they should be cast as president in a made-for-TV movie. But in reality, both are hopelessly out of touch, calculating wax figurines. They both even speak French!

In the end, Mitt Romney is John Kerry without the war medals.

• Charles Hurt may be reached at