- The Washington Times - Thursday, October 3, 2013


When I make a prediction only to watch it go horribly wrong, I feel, as I did Monday night, like a politician caught in a sex scandal. I feel the need to get in front of the news and explain myself in the hope that my constituents will continue to believe in me.

So, while I was technically correct when I said last week that you could do worse than being “stuck” with Ryan Tannehill as your bye-week starter — you could have been stuck with Blaine Gabbert — I deeply regret suggesting that it was a good idea to start a young quarterback playing in a hostile environment for his first game on national television. It was a lapse in judgment on my part, and I hope that you will believe me when I say that I am committed to moving past this with your support and predicting only what’s best for you in the future.

Now, like any good politician, I’m going to generally ignore that nod to humility and say whatever is on my mind, not even thinking about the reality that much, if not all, of it will make me sound arrogant and/or phony. But I will share these thoughts in letter form so as to appear classy and important.


Dear Jay Cutler,

I did not appreciate those two garbage-time touchdowns Sunday afternoon. They caused my wife to take a significant lead in our weekly matchup, which prompted her to gleefully mock me on social media — the type of mocking for which a man has no public recourse. Thankfully, Jimmy Graham saved me the next day and I won by 0.6 points. It was a very satisfying victory, although I get the sense it may come back to haunt me.


Dear Jimmy Graham,

While there is no chance my wife ever drafts you in any league for as long as you play in the NFL, I thank you for your contributions. They are greatly appreciated.


Dear Philip Rivers,

Your name keeps popping up in my column, primarily in the context of me saying that your success this year is a fluke. I’m going to stop doing that.

P.S. Why don’t you get along with Jay? You guys have so much in common.

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