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When asked why, 34 percent said they think the Internet is just not relevant to them, 32 of nonusers cited reasons tied to their sense that the Internet is not very easy to use, 19 percent cited expense, and 7 percent cited a physical lack of availability or access to the Internet.

Irresistible. There’s no other way to characterize this beastly tidbit — especially since it’s at the hands of Dallasites.

Zookeepers in Cowboys territory are evicting a dang Yankee, a Bronx-born 430-pound gorilla named Patrick, because they say he doesn’t want to cavort with the gals.

In fact, the 23-year-old Western lowland gorilla gets along fine with humans and pals around with another male, but Patrick has assailed the gals.

That’s what proverbial bachelors do, right?

Anyway, Dallas is shipping the lowlander to the low country to take up residence in South Carolina’s Riverbanks Zoo and Garden in Columbia.

Now, while Patrick is getting a bad rep for being sexist, the bottom line is Dallasites are being ageists.

No longer a prime-age catch, Patrick is being replaced by not one but two younger gorillas.

Patrick just might fall into gentler hands in South Carolina, where female mates might, shall we say, turn him on with a different time of charm.

Back here in D.C., the mayor is huffing and puffing his way into history, saying he wants all city government workers to be officially declared “essential” should a federal shutdown become reality.

Vincent C. Gray is a smart man for many, many reasons, and he just might get a pass from the Office of Management and Budget and Congress.

But it will be for political reasons — not because they really and truly believe all D.C. government employees are “essential.”

Deborah Simmons can be reached at dsimmons@washingtontimes.com.