We have just been graced with a grandson, and are fortunate enough to be a three-generation in one household family. 

It is such a gift to see our daughter and her husband grow into parenthood, delighting in all the daily miracles of seeing a new human being develop and embrace his world.  It is also a gift to be able to back them up, to be able to take the baby for a burping or a bath or a diaper change to give Mom or Dad a break. 

In this circumstance, I constantly think of all those parents who are doing this job without the benefit of a fulltime co-parent, or of a houseful of supportive family members.  It must be so hard to deal with the 24-hour needs of a young infant--or a child of any age--without any backup.  No one to soothe the baby to sleep while you grab a shower, no one to make you a sandwich or bring you some tea while you are feeding the baby?  It must be so hard.

It's sort of funny how we have kind of made it a sacred cow not to call into question the "right" of a person to raise a child alone.  I'm reminded of Ben Franklin's comments about how the American colonists could be thankful that they were considered Englishmen.  "I'm sure an ox might be grateful to be called a bull, but I think he'd much rather have what was rightfully his."  In the same way, I'm sure a single mom is grateful that she is "allowed" to parent a child, but I think she'd much rather have a spouse with whom to share the responsibility. 

A recent study (one of a long series) found that children fare best when cared for by two biological parents.  Ya think?  But even better, I'm sure, is two biological parents, plus a warm and supportive extended family.  A child who is held, caressed, carried, cleaned, fed and played with by a number of involved family members has special advantages over children without those benefits. 

Scientists have found that long before babies can walk, crawl or even smile, they are receiving brain-enhancing data through skin touch, sound, food, and visual experiences.  Children who are not held, not able to hear the heartbeat of others, not warmed and stroked by loving caretakers--these children suffer a "failure to thrive" that affects their growth patterns, immune systems, brain function, and emotional security. 

It is popular to stereotype Asian children as highly intelligent, but is that a genetic predisposition, or the fact that most are raised with constant human contact, with moms and aunties and dads and uncles and grandparents who are there to pick them up, talk to them, feed them, calm them, and instruct them as a regular part of life?  The family bed is common in other countries--but actually admonished here.  Instead, we have silly ideas that infants should be trained to sleep through the night by ignoring their cries, and by teaching them to "self comfort."  Instead of bonding to people, we encourage them to bond to pacifiers and blankets, stuffed toys and music boxes, night lights and rocking mechanisms.  With our preoccupation with fostering independence and convenience, we spend an enormous amount of energy dealing with the need to have children cared for or distracted or educated--by anyone other than ourselves. 

By age 3 months, many kids are in child care.  By age 3, many are in some kind of classroom.  By 5 or 6, they are legally institutionalized for 8 hours a day.  Meanwhile, we parents run around, transporting them to these locations, managing schedules to fit the workplace or the school, and in the rush of all of these "needs," we often have few skin-touch, warming, embracing moments together with our child.  We read them a story, give them a bath, give a hug and a kiss--but the child wants and needs that several dozen times a day, not once or twice. 

We're deceiving ourselves into thinking that the rush to progress is actually helping our kids--or ourselves.  Kids don't want, and don't need, elaborate equipment, clothing, mansions or cars.  They don't care if the food is gourmet, or if the clothes are designer.  They don't long for interactive electronics, or even, their own room. 

What every child wants is tons and tons of love, attention, embraces, care, playing, and natural relationships.  They want parents, siblings, relatives and a larger community that is warm and loving and safe.  They want to explore their world, to discover new things, not on a schedule, but when their curiosity is piqued. 

Children who get these things are truly advantaged, because they can grow naturally.  They aren't forced into schedules and stimulation that are not appropriate.  Their health is protected by reducing exposure to a large population of children who are each bringing in differing germs and contagion.  They have a calmer existence, a world that responds to them instead of forcing them to conform to it. 

We women, especially, may have been persuaded that income-producing activities are the evidence of our value in society, and that caretaking activities are for the uneducated, the financially disempowered, or those without special skills.  We voluntarily give up the most precious opportunity of our lives--the time we have in which we can invest heavily and productively into the development of a new human being--just to jump back into a workplace that really can survive quite well without us. 

Okay, these seem like old-fashioned concepts, and it looks like returning to the "bad old days" of homebody moms and ever-present in-laws.  But the scientific studies tell us that babies thrive under all the things that strong families offer: consistent setting, attentive caretaking, positive touch, balanced nutrition, appropriate activity.  Also, the emotional elements of love, joy, positive reinforcement of development milestones, and being able to cope well with life needs--these are also more present in the more resilient extended family network.

So if you really want to give your kids the best--give them a great two-parent family and a warm and supportive extended family.  The foundations of emotional and physical security are set there--and it's much harder to replicate that experience under any other structure.

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