- The Washington Times - Friday, December 1, 2000

On the twelfth day of counting,

Florida gave to me:

Twelve circuit judges,

Eleven overseas ballots,

Ten tumbling lawsuits,

Nine absentee voters,

Eight network gasbags,

Seven holes for popping,

Six lawyers leaping,

Five gold-en chads!

Four biased pollsters,

Three rings of circus,

Two pompous pundits

and a recount in Palm Beach on the sea.

Christmas arrived early this year for the folks in Arkansas. Bill and Hillary are gone for good, citizens and voters at last in a place that actually wants and deserves them.

And now, mirabile dictu, Florida has replaced Arkansas, the land disgraced forever by its most infamous native son, as the state everybody most loves to laugh at.

Maybe not "only in America," but we do this better than anyone anywhere else, manufacturing celebrity and sensation that the rest of the world can only enjoy — and envy. It's Entertainment Tonight here, Amateur Night everywhere else.

"This is history in the making," a tourist, watching Dade County's ballots whizzing past on a Florida turnpike, said of Al Gore's permanent campaign to steal the presidency. "It's something you gotta see. This may turn out to be nothing, but then again it may be really something."

Even O.J. made the scene, taking a few minutes away from his relentless 24/7 search for the killer of his wife, the manhunt he vowed would not end short of success. O.J. lives in Florida now, where he has constant access to the golf courses, expensive restaurants, cocktail lounges, beaches, swimming pools and other places where foolish virgins, blue-eyed blondes spilling out of itsy-bitsy bikinis, hang out and where the slasher of Nicole is believed to be hiding (perhaps disguised as a retired Buffalo Bills running back).

"In my case it may have been a little more intriguing because people didn't know what was going to happen," O.J. said of the procession of dimples moving past him up Interstate 95. "Here they know the ballots will get to Tallahassee."

If all the ballots make it, Leon County Judge N. Sanders Saul will have enough reading to fill up his weekend. He might think reading holes is the ultimate in what might have been.

But if Judge N. Sanders Saul (his parting of his name on the side probably marks him as an aspiring Republican) thinks his reading material is dull, he should pity the nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court. The Supremes have got to plow through the work of David Boies, the lawyer for Al Gore, and try to pick out what's fraudulent and what, if anything, is not.

Mr. Boies stung the Florida Supreme Court court when he cited a nonexistent Illinois precedent, trying to persuade the court that Illinois had permitted the counting of dimples when in fact the Illinois decision had prohibited the counting of dimples.

Mr. Boies, being a New Yorker, was counting on Florida crackers not knowing any better, but you might have thought that he wouldn't try that again, but there he was again yesterday in Tallahassee, waving the phony Illinois citation as if it were a .357 Magnum.

"I don't know what somebody has reported about that being the case or not being the case," he said. Can't he read? The Supremes have competent law clerks who can check Mr. Boies' citations, not for accuracy but for actual existence.

Mr. Boies will no doubt one day soon have to file an apology much like that of Robert S. Bennett, who acknowledged in October 1998 that he had vouched for a Clinton lie to a federal judge. Uncle Bob wrote to U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright in Little Rock that he had falsely assured the court that Monica Lewinsky and President Clinton had not engaged in "sex of any kind in any manner, shape or form," when, at that very moment, Monica was putting on her kneepads in the Oval Office pantry.

Only yesterday the National Legal and Policy Center, which monitors the ethics of judges and lawyers (no laughing, please) from Washington, filed a complaint with the Florida Bar Association requesting that it investigate the behavior of Mr. Boies and Mitchell W. Berger, his associate counsel for Al Gore. "Using a false affidavit to influence events in and out of court is an outrage," the monitors said. "If that is in fact what an investigation of Boies and Berger finds, then they should be severely disciplined."

These worthies, with Uncle Bob, would make a great Gotham partnership. If Bill Clinton can get a law license in New York, he may join them.

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