- The Washington Times - Friday, July 28, 2000

If we were to tell you that we know a guy who has trouble with his memory, his bladder, his eyesight, his hearing and is, on occasion, delusional, would you immediately call for an ambulance or would you elect him president? It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you would be just as sick as is the poor sucker with all these problems if you didn't have the decency to reach for the telephone and call 911.
Every Jew insists that he goes to the biggest specialist there is. One brags that you have to wait two weeks to get an appointment to see his doctor. The next guy says, "My doctor is such a big shot, it takes three months to get an appointment." The third guy says, "My doctor is so important that nobody has ever lived long enough to see him."
Today, doctors are so fancy they don't want to waste their time diagnosing what's wrong with you. You are supposed to tell them what's wrong with you. When you go to a doctor's office the nurse hands you a paper to fill out that's a cross between a racing form and a multiple-choice test.
Could you just imagine how Al Gore would fill his out?
Eyesight: Right off he has a problem. A tenant rented a house on the lawn of the Gore home in Tennessee. Although it was only 100 feet in front of his porch he was unable to see that the roof was caving in, and the windows were broken; the tenants were walking around the house in overcoats because there was no heat, no running water and the toilet wasn't working.
When the tenant complained … Mr. Gore suddenly developed a hearing problem.
Urinary system: Mr. Gore has a sensitive bladder. He has to run to the bathroom every time somebody talks about campaign-financing … especially after drinking iced tea.
Memory: Mr. Gore went to an event at a Buddhist temple. He couldn't remember why he was there. He saw a bunch of men in sheets collecting money. He couldn't recall that it was a fund-raiser for himself. He thought maybe it was just a Ku Klux Klan get-together, and they were just collecting money for a door prize.
His memory was also not-so-hot when it pertained to fund-raising meetings at the White House, even though others at the meeting said that Mr. Gore was "attentive."
Mental problems: Mr. Gore claims he invented the Internet, discovered Love Canal and was the subject of the novel, "Love Story." He probably did these things right after he invented cellophane and built the Grand Coulee Dam.
However, one must uncharitably notice that for somebody who invented the Internet, he is certainly having a lot of trouble retrieving hundreds of e-mail messages that Robert Ray, the Office of the Independent Counsel, and the Justice Department have requested.
Where the form asks about sex, from watching Mr. Gore, it looks like he takes Viagra. Only with him, it looks like it has worked on every part of his body except where it is supposed to work which is a pity since he studied under an expert in the field.
Doctors have plenty of problems these days with HMOs, Medicare, Managed Care, high malpractice rates and government interference and control over the practice of medicine. Mr. Gore, as a patient, with all his various illnesses, would not only give them opportunities to practice all their skills, but a chance to get even, too.

Jackie Mason is a comedian and Raoul Felder is an attorney.

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