- The Washington Times - Friday, November 17, 2000

Paybacks are hell

The following document has reportedly been delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. from Her Majesty's Government:


To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, including New Jersey.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly.

2. Learn at least the first four lines of "God Save the Queen."

3. Start referring to soccer as "football."

4. Declare war on Quebec and France.

5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.

6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby.

7. Enjoy warm, flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.

8. July 4 is no longer a public holiday. This has been replaced with Nov. 5.

9. Driving on the left is now compulsory. Recall all cars to effect the change immediately.

10 Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber.

11. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day.

Snippy shirts

Those were members of the Washington chapter of Free Republic usually found marching past the tourist exit of the White House peacefully protesting outside Vice President Al Gore's Northwest Washington mansion last evening.

They were sporting T-shirts that carried a parody of the vice president's 2000 campaign logo: "SORELOSERMAN 2000."

The back of the shirt read: "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SNIPPY ABOUT IT!"

Circus count

Where is lawyer Johnnie Cochran when the Democrats need him most?

So inquires reader Charlie Skuba, who can hear Al Gore's legal remedy now: "If the votes don't amount, you must recount."

When in Shirlington

Since her most recent trip to Thailand, Secretary of State Madeleine K. Albright has been craving a traditional Thai dish called mee krob.

And while no such item is found on the menu at T.H.A.I. in Shirlington, a restaurant that has fed the likes of Attorney General Janet Reno and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, Chef Bunyarataphan obliged by tossing together a special version of the Thai dish, which consists of sweet crispy noodles with tamarind sauce.

In appreciation of the culinary effort, the country's globe-trotting secretary scribbled a quick note thanking the chef for a "fabulous meal," then headed to the Oval Office for a meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak.

Limbo Joe

If anybody is in limbo this week, it's Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman, who doesn't know whether he's a Connecticut senator or the nation's next vice president.

That said, we are unable to corroborate the rumor that Mr. Lieberman has signed up for Monday's Capitol Hill Career Fair, to be held between noon and 4 p.m. in the Caucus Room of the Cannon House Office Building.

Free pizza and beverages will be served, and door prizes awarded, but only to the winners.

Women's figures

Guys surfing into the Web site WomensFigures.com might not find what they're looking for, but they could learn another thing or two about the opposite sex.

Launched by Diana Furchtgott-Roth, resident fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, and Barbara Ledeen, founder and former executive director of the Independent Women's Forum, this new site highlights women's economic, political and social issues such as the glass-ceiling myth and how well women are doing in top executive positions in corporate America.

And contrary to men's belief how women are actually following football this season. After all, a jury awarded Heather Mercer $2 million from Duke University because she wasn't allowed to be a kicker on the football team.

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