- The Washington Times - Saturday, April 21, 2001

U.S. leaders are considering lobbying against Chinas bid to host the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing in retaliation for their illegal detention of the crew of the EP-3 reconnaissance flight. Yet doing so could be a mistake, especially since Chinas hosting of the games could serve as a true reflection of the leadership practices of Beijings communist regime. Of course, the games might have to be modified a bit. Below a few modest proposals:
The 100 yard dissident dash should be popular with participants especially since the winner would receive asylum in the country of his or her choice, and the runners up would be given exit visas. Less popular with spectators would be the Tiananmen tank obstacle course, which will wind through the arenas packed stands. Another possibility is the Hong Kong swim, a combination of the biathlon and the 4,500 meter free style. Contestants would risk their lives to cross a dark, wind-swept pool while people are shooting at them, only to be deported back to mainland China regardless of how they finish. All of us were recently witnesses to the eyeball-popping preview of the Hainan Island diving competition. When the actual event is held in Beijing, judges will throw divers off of a 100 meter platform. If competitors do not recover in time to make a perfect landing into a pool in Taiwan, they will be detained by the judges for an indefinite period.
Aside from these exciting new events, a Beijing games would have many other interesting features. Athletic injuries will be no problem thanks to the regimes inadvertent organ donor program, and International Olympic Committee (IOC) judges will no longer have to scurry around looking for Chinese athletes to test positive for any number of performance-enhancing drugs. Instead, they could do so at the athletes own training centers.
Besides, the other cities under consideration Paris, Toronto, Osaka and Istanbul all have major disadvantages. Istanbul is far too busy playing its own version of the currency toss. Japans banks are only slightly more stable than the ground they are built on. A summer games in Toronto? There might as well be a winter games in Cairo. And Paris? Paris is already an air conditioner-free and deodorant-free zone, and this will not be Paris in the spring, this will be Paris in the hot, sticky, sweltering summer. If athletes dont pass out, they will surely die of cholesterol poisoning.
Beijing should host the 2008 summer games as long as no Americans have to compete there.

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