- The Washington Times - Sunday, April 8, 2001

Some Democrats are still not willing to acknowledge defeat in Novembers presidential election even as the mother of all recounts wound down last week. The poor things seem to be in a state of denial. All of which got the editorial page thinking: What might the first 100 days of a Gore presidency have looked like? In other words, what if David Boies musical rhetoric had hypnotized Supreme Court Chief Justice Rehnquist and tamed Antonin Scalia? What if Mr. Gore had won?
Inauguration Day:
The principal entertainment is Barbra Streisands 50th final farewell concert, but the crowd turns ugly when people realize that Martin Sheen, who is standing on the podium, will not actually take the oath. Mr. Gore gives a five-hour oration enumerating his 3,000 "first priorities," which is so boring that even the person running the TelePrompTer falls asleep. Not that Mr. Gore, or anyone else for that matter, notices. The only surviving record is made on a roll of prison toilet paper by Theodore Kaczynski for use in his next manifesto.
Meanwhile, ex-president Bill Clinton exercises "legitimate presidential prerogative," by giving himself two more weeks to give more pardons and enriching himself while doing so.
Mid-January:
At the special request of Viktor Chernomyrdin, Secretary of State Strobe Talbot names Philip Hanssen special envoy to Russia. "He had been asking for the transfer for years, and he seems to have an almost uncanny ability to develop unique relationships with them," explains Mr. Talbot.
As a part of his religious commitment to campaign-finance reform, Vice President Joseph Lieberman announces that on the Sabbath, he will only walk to pick up illegal campaign contributions. In an unrelated move, Secretary of Commerce James Riady purchases a house adjacent to the Naval Observatory.
Early February:
Claiming, "I already know everything about it," Mr. Gore appoints himself secretary of the interior and EPA administrator. Following his orders, park rangers immediately replace all maps and guidebooks with copies of "Earth in the Balance." Mr. Gore then fires the park rangers and replaces them with members of the Earth Liberation Front, who celebrate by firebombing every RV in national parks west of the Rockies.
In a surprise move, Mr. Gore appoints Washington Zoo pandas Mei Xiang and Tian Tian as the U.S. ambassadors to the United Nations. "They best understand my personal, er, the nations political interests when it comes to developing a close relationship with China," explains the president.
Mid-February:
Attorney General David Boies announces that he is bringing antitrust lawsuits against every company with a hyphenated name, including AOL-TimeWarner, Daimler-Chrysler, and Bob-N-Johns baguettes. "Through their horizontal monopoly in the marketplace of grammar, hyphens have destroyed the dot-com economy," charges the attorney general. In another move applauded by senior Democrats as "fair, bipartisan and in the best interests of the American people," Mr. Boies instructs the IRS to begin audits of every Republican-owned business in the country. Amway is excepted because, "No one in their right mind wants that stuff."
Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson are named co-chairs of the Civil Rights Division. Their plans for ballot reform involve giving a "ballot rebate," of $50 to anyone who can prove that they didnt vote for a Republican, and charging a "ballot surcharge" of $50 for anyone who did. The bill dies an untimely death when they sue one another over potential proceeds.
Early March:
The reason for Hillary Clintons record-breaking office rental costs become clear when it is revealed that she has rented the entire West Wing of the White House. "It was so much easier than packing up a bunch of furniture," she explains, "And besides, my brother Hugh said it was a good idea."
When a reporter asks about the $10 million commission Hugh received in the presidential pardon affair, Mrs. Clinton says she is "saddened and disappointed," by his actions. After scurrying off the stage, she reappears two minutes later to announce that she cannot remember being saddened or disappointed. Nor can she remember having a brother. She does admit to recently becoming a charter member of "Who is Hugh?"
In an effort to further bolster self-esteem in the military, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Shinseki announces that herewith, all members of the Army will be referred to as "Gen. Shinseki."
Mid-March:
Students at Columbias Journalism School, where former Republican candidate George W. Bush has been lecturing, begin mispronouncing pronouns following a special lecture on "The subliminality of the dashiki of the Republic of Scygistiniania." They claim that the lecture was cut short after a cell phone went off in the audience.
Hoping to encourage conservation, Secretary of Energy Dianne Feinstein tells Californians to eat uncooked food and "lie outside more." Food poisoning and skin cancer rates triple overnight.
Early April:
Mr. Gore instructs special envoy to China Bill Richardson to "steal some of our nuclear secrets back." Three days later, Mr. Richardson reappears with 500 Xerox copier manuals.
Arguing that "there is too much talking in politics," Sen. John McCain proposes a ban on all political speech 60 days prior to an election. The measure is wildly popular among voters who realize that it is practically the only thing that will get Sam Donaldson to shut up. Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell silently promises to sue anyway.
Mid April:
Mr. Gore announces that the environment will now be kept in a "lockbox."
Secretary of Labor John Sweeny adds his muscle to the power crisis, suggesting that he and recently pardoned Ron Carey will be happy to kneecap any employee in a power plant who isnt found wearing the union label.
Late April:
As his first 100 days draw to a close, President Gore claims to have accomplished all of his first priorities including winning the Cold War, establishing Social Security, drafting the Bill of Rights and signing the Mayflower Compact.


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