- The Washington Times - Sunday, December 16, 2001

Welcome to the Sunday Column. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.
No, not that chair. That's Randy Moss' chair.

Wanted: Football coach. Must have proven track record of success and ability to lead young men. Accurate resume a plus. Contact the University of Notre Dame, South Bend, Ind. 46556.

I'm not even sure George O'Leary is really George O'Leary anymore. He could be Tony Curtis in disguise. (Memo to younger readers: Curtis starred in "The Great Imposter" in the early '60s.)

Think a few coaches might be reading over their bios this morning, looking for "errors"?

Somebody should do a story next fall on all the revisions that were made in media guides in the aftermath of the O'Leary debacle. It would take some work, but I suspect it would be worth the effort.

The next time O'Leary updates his resume, he'll probably add, "Only undefeated football coach in Notre Dame history."

In case you were wondering, Dr. Jerry Punch is, indeed, an actual medical doctor.

Not that I'd let him work on me.

Question: How did the Hawaii Rainbows score 72 points against previously unbeaten BYU?
Answer: They missed a PAT that would have given them 73.
(This is a variation on a famous Arnold Palmer line. Media: "How did you get a 12 on that last hole, Arnie?" Arnie: "I missed a 20-footer for 11.")

Sorry to see Steve Wilson go at Howard. He's a good football coach and an even better guy. The school just doesn't want to admit how difficult it is to win there, year in and year out, so it dumps a loyal alum who gave the program its greatest moments.

Watching highlights of the '71 Oklahoma-Nebraska game on ESPN made me long for the days of the tear-away jersey. 'Huskers running back Jeff Kinney was practically shirtless by the end. It was beautiful.

The Eagles' eight-game road winning streak heading into today's showdown with the Redskins is impressive, no question. But they've got a long way to go to beat the 49ers' streak of 18 from '88 to '90 one of the greatest records in modern sports.
Why is it so great? Because just before the Niners ran off 18 in a row, they ran off 11 in a row (in '87-88), and that's the second-best streak in NFL history. There were only two road games between those two streaks a 10-9 loss at Chicago and a 24-23 loss at Arizona (when San Francisco blew a 23-0 lead in the last 19 minutes). So the 49ers came within four points of winning 31 consecutive road games (32 if you include the '88 NFC title game).
What a ballclub.

Number of the Week: 388.
(Weight, in pounds, of the marijuana ex-Cowboy Nate Newton has been connected with in two separate arrests.)

I hear Nate was also found in possession of 6,208 boxes of brownie mix.

The Arizona Cardinals' proposed new stadium replete with a retractable roof has one feature I've never heard of: a grass field that slides out like a bureau drawer so it can get sunlight during the day. (There are some artist's conceptions of it on the Arizona Republic's Web site, azcentral.com, if you're interested in seeing for yourself.)

Speaking of Arizona, Comcast SportsNet's Chick Hernandez took a brief golfing vacation out there last week when the Redskins played the Cards. Which led to the following exchange in the press box before the game:
Me: "How'd you hit 'em?"
Chick: "I broke my driver on a cactus."
Me: "You mean you were off the fairway and had a lie like Sergio Garcia did in the [99] PGA?
Chick: "No, I mean I couldn't get off the tee for the first six holes, got mad and whacked a cactus with my driver. Knocked the head right off."

At last glance, the Celtics' duo of Paul Pierce (26.8) and Antoine Walker (25.0) were both averaging 25 points a game. This isn't something that happens a lot in the NBA. In fact, in the last 40 years, only nine pairs of teammates have accomplished the feat (minimum 70 games or 1,400 points). The list:
Shaquille O'Neal (28.7) and Kobe Bryant (28.5), Lakers, 2000-01. (They're on pace to do it this season, too.)
Larry Bird (28.1) and Kevin McHale (26.1), Celtics, '86-87.
Kiki Vandeweghe (29.4) and Alex English (26.4), Nuggets, '83-84. (Also did it previous season.)
Pete Maravich (27.7) and Lou Hudson (25.4), Hawks, '73-74. (Ditto.)
Gail Goodrich (25.9) and Jerry West (25.8), Lakers, '71-72.
Jerry West (28.7) and Elgin Baylor (26.6), Lakers, '66-67. (Did it five times in all.)
Walt Bellamy (27.9) and Terry Dischinger (25.5), Chicago Zephyrs, '62-63. (The Zephyrs are now known as the Washington Wizards.)
Richie Guerin (29.5) and Willie Naulls (25.0), Knicks, '61-62.
Oscar Robertson (30.5) and Jack Twyman (25.3), Cincinnati Royals, '60-61.
How quickly we forget: Michael Adams (26.5) and Orlando Woolridge (25.1) nearly did it with the Nuggets in '90-91, but "O" didn't have quite enough games (53) or points (1,330) to qualify.

Now that Don Chaney has replaced Jeff Van Gundy as coach and the offensive handcuffs have been removed, the Knicks are almost watchable.

Juwan Howard is really taking to his new role as the Mavericks' sixth man. In a recent six-game stretch, he averaged 6.2 points, shot 31.1 percent and scored in double figures once.

Washington Times staffer Bob Cohn sent me this e-mail last week:
"Dan Issel called a drunken, abusive fan a '[expletive] Mexican [expletive]' and was suspended for four games.
"In 1997, then-Nets coach John Calipari called Newark Star-Ledger sportswriter Dan Garcia 'a [expletive] Mexican idiot' and was fined $25,000 but wasn't suspended.
"Pecking order:
"1. Drunken, abusive fans.
"2. Sportswriters."
Hey, at least we're No. 2 us and Nebraska.

Another New York team seems to be assembling a Murderer's Row the Rangers. They just added Matthew Barnaby to a roster that already includes Igor Ulanov and assorted other nasties.

If Sports Illustrated was going to opt for co-Sportsmen of the Year, why not Shaq and Kobe, who have won two straight titles and are gunning for their third, instead of Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson, who have won just one?

Of course, Schilling and Johnson did put an end to the Diamondbacks Curse. Arizonans had been waiting four whole years for a championship.

Heck, I've been waiting for a raise longer than that.

And finally … on the subject of the D-backs, they reportedly gave full World Series shares to their clubhouse staff $279,260.41. Heartwarming, huh? I mean, now those poor clubbies can hire somebody else to pick up the soggy towels.

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