- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 5, 2001

The increasing practice of awarding athletic scholarships to foreigners is indefensible, an insult to John, Jamal and Jud.
America's college coaches try hard to spin the growing trend, all of it a bunch of self-serving hot air.
They want to help the youth of the world. Please. They merely want to win as many games as possible, so they can help themselves. If a coach can't land a talented player from the red, white and blue, they will take one with a zillion vowels in his name. They are not proud. They just want to be on television. They just want a fatter shoe deal.
When they are down to their last few hours on the planet, they just want to be able to tell their grandchildren that they won some games that no one remembers.
The Dayton (Ohio) Daily News has crunched the international numbers, the offensive results of which appeared in this newspaper this week.
Dale Brown, a former basketball coach at LSU, is a big proponent of foreign athletes. He drops the bigotry charge on those who are against it. Isn't that something? Dial 911. Brown is hearing voices in his head again. Or maybe he is conversing with the man on the moon again.
Brown says the student-athletes from overseas are "wonderful people," as if this sways the debate his way. I'm sure they are wonderful people. I'm sure they are perched right next to Jimmy Carter building another home. What does that have to do with limiting the scholarship opportunities of America's equally wonderful youth?
Let's get a couple of things straight. America owes nothing to the youth of the world. To come to America is a privilege, not a right, as the Justice Department has explained on a number of occasions since the atrocities of September 11.
The rest of the world, much of it anyway, seems to have a bad case of nation envy anyway. Except for Great Britain, they like us when it is convenient. Or worse, they don't like us at all because we buy oil from the sand nations, we are not in favor of Saddam Hussein gassing his people, and we don't embrace Yasser Arafat's suicide bombers.
Heck, ordinary Americans are just so unsophisticated. We need to understand the beauty of 72 virgins awaiting the arrival of a terrorist in the afterlife. Kill the innocent and then go to heaven to take up with the virgins. Our bad. We're really trying to understand the root causes of so much ill will around the world. It seems it is all our fault.
They have a sand storm and blame America. They kill the Jews and blame America. Kill, kill, kill. Virgin, virgin, virgin. The line of thinking is impressive.
Perhaps if we had awarded a basketball scholarship to Osama bin Laden years ago, everything would have turned out peachy. He is a tall guy, after all, a 6-foot-5 nut case, they say. He could have played with a turban on his head.
The limp intellects in the university community would have broken down in tears at the sight of a turban-playing hoopster. Ah, diversity, they would have said. Let's hear it for diversity. Light a candle and repeat after them: All we are saying is give peace a chance, and let's not forget that an eye for an eye and the world goes blind.
To which can be said: Who writes the material for these dimwits?
Give Saint Rodney King credit. He gets arrested every other week, but on one magical day in 1994, he had this moment of clarity, this deep, deep brush with Plato, when, all on his own, he said, "People, I just want to say, you know, can we can we all get along?"
Well, no, we can't all get along, but it sounds good, and it beats another rendition of, "We are the World."
Saint Rodney did not have tenure at the time, either. It must be the tenure thing with the university gasbags. They get tenure and their brain cells start to disappear.
Have the nitwits at Cal Berkeley left the country yet? Is it safe yet to comb Berkeley for victims?
The bottom line is this: America's universities have an obligation to our young, period, unless a university, such as American, can demonstrate it has a significant quid-pro-quo thing going with other parts of the world.
Otherwise, the scholarship monies, and your tax dollars, should be going almost exclusively to the youth of America. The premise is very simple. We have a duty to take care of our own first. That means Malcolm, Billy, Fernando, Wong-Fu and even Rachel. We have enough social problems. We don't need yours. We don't want yours. You don't appreciate us anyway.
All too many of the globe's peoples ever discuss around America is McDonald's. They are obsessed with McDonald's. My, God, people, go visit your 10,000-year-old structures and give it a rest. It is just McDonald's. Take it or leave it. Have a salad instead and come up with a new note.
The professional basketball leagues overseas repay America's scholarship monies with quotas, often limiting each of their teams to one American.
How do you like that, America? Does that feel fair? Our bad again. That probably is another one of those cultural things that we don't understand. We give you a free education. You give us a quota system. It must be the food at McDonald's. The cholesterol has clogged the world's arteries, and the blood is not reaching its head, Tony Blair excluded.
We're trying to see it your way. Yes, Arafat, greasy look and all, is a man of peace. You know, some people argue the Heisman Trophy candidates. I wonder why Arafat never has won the Nobel Peace prize. Would we buy a used car from him? Not until you answer the follow-up question, which is: Will the car explode on the test drive?
I know already.
Just give the world's overactive pituitary glands a free basketball, free room and board and a free education.
I just lack the, you know, intellectual necessities to grasp it all. It is that darn Regional U. diploma in my background. It is a curse, a handicap. Feel my pain.
I guess we could tell the world to go fly a kite, except that is against the religion of the Taliban and we are conditioned to be sensitive around nutty beliefs.
Bill Bradshaw, the athletic director at DePaul University, says foreign athletes "support and protect the diversity" on which America is based.
Sir, can we have samples of your blood and urine?
Not to overstate the obvious, but we already have all kinds in America, even the ever-adorable kind who appear on Jerry Springer's show and other tell-all gabfests, including men in diapers, and nothing against men who wear diapers to relax.
I don't know about DePaul's athletic director, but if diversity is the rallying cry, I would prefer if the next athletic scholarship goes to an American who wears diapers instead of to another foreigner.
Just give a diaper-wearing basketball player a chance. Just stir the contents of America's diverse pot.

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