- The Washington Times - Thursday, December 6, 2001

I am not comfortable with Santa Claus, either, because he is an overweight smoker who has poor grooming habits and a questionable circle of friends.
I take it back. Sorry, Santa. I'm being a crybaby, and nobody likes a crybaby.
Santa still owes me a bicycle, over which I remain deeply disappointed. He probably owes the two families in Kensington a winning lottery ticket. I don't really know. But I feel their emotional pain, as did the four members of the Town Council.
They told Santa to get lost before the town's tree-lighting ceremony this week, and I only can assume that the Easter Bunny is next on their hit list.
The Easter Bunny is another important icon in America. The Easter Bunny always leaves me a basket of goodies, and I am happy to report that jelly beans and chocolate bunnies are two of my favorite food groups.
The Tooth Fairy also is cool, although I have not lost a tooth in years, and if I lost one now, that probably would not be a good thing.
I do not know Kensington's political position on the Tooth Fairy. I would be interested in seeing the results of a vote among the four officials: Leanne Pfautz, Chris Bruch, Glenn Cowan and Barbara Scharman.
They obviously are deep thinkers who are willing to take an unpopular stand, starting with Santa. I would like to know their opinion on Frankenstein as well. He comes to the house once a year with his candy bag in tow. He is a very scary fellow. And talk about a complexion problem. He could use some skin-care products.
It would not surprise me if the Kensington Four banned Frankenstein in the interest of preserving their fragile town's mental health each Halloween. There must be a family or two in Kensington that is uncomfortable around Frankenstein.
The mental trauma associated with all these figures apparently is impressive. It must be great to be a psychotherapist in Kensington.
Santa is slated to show up to a function, and at least two families in Kensington threaten to pass out. Those poor families. Imagine their shakiness if they go to the shopping mall at this time of the year. They must pack lots of smelling salts.
Is there something the rest of the Washington region can do for these delicate souls? Can we get you a warm glass of milk?
Santa is all over the place now. If you find his presence unnerving, you have no choice but to close the draperies in your house and go into the fetal position until Dec. 26. You can't even go to the grocery store. His likeness is there, too. I guess you can order out: pizza, Chinese food and the like. I don't know what else to tell the Santa-phobic. It is tough out there.
The neighbors up the road have placed a huge likeness of Santa in their front yard. He is cloaked in lights at night. They obviously are fearless people.
I am not uncomfortable around Santa, just hurt, and I already have written him this year, asking him to deliver that bicycle yet again. I am trying to keep hope alive. Mine is a Christmas tree, by the way, not a secular one.
It is funny how it works. Some people are uncomfortable around Santa. Others are uncomfortable around those who wear turbans. Yet it is wrong to be uncomfortable around those who wear turbans but not wrong to be uncomfortable around Santa.
I will say this in Santa's defense. In all the years he has been visiting people around the globe, he never has once flown his sleigh into a building.
I know Santa is a good guy. I'm just being silly about the bicycle thing. I will be leaving cookies out for him again this Christmas Eve. I always do. I have to be honest. I can't complain too much, bicycle or no bicycle. He usually leaves me a pair of running shoes and sweat pants.
I'm sure the Kensington Four can relate to my private torment. I know they are busy and all, grappling with the complex issues of the day, but I promise to be good if they serve as Santa's helpers this Christmas Eve and drop a bicycle off at my place.
Merry Christmas, Kensington.

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