- The Washington Times - Wednesday, January 24, 2001

Gosh, this is fun. In the first day on the job, our new president has already rendered the pro-abortionists half crazed with fury by blocking taxpayer funding of foreign abortions. The abortionists are so cute when they get mad. It was actually worth it to watch CNN, just to see them clench their little fists and shake them in the general direction of the White House. And that's not all. Before breakfast on Monday President Bush also put a stop to dozens of 11th-hour Clinton regulations.

One particularly nefarious Clinton regulation that Mr. Bush reversed would have permitted smaller holes for Swiss cheese. The Bush presidency didn't come a moment too soon. The whole point of Swiss cheese is the holes. Without the rescinding of this regulation we would all have had to waste valuable time around the breakfast table carving out proper-sized holes before enjoying our traditional Swiss cheese on white toast with marmalade. Apparently Mr. Clinton was indifferent to the fact that the hole in the Swiss cheese is the natural habitat of the endangered Seville orange marmalade.

According to the Associated Press: "The last minute flurry [of Clinton rules followed by Bush rescissions] left some in the federal bureaucracy wondering Monday what they could enforce and couldn't." What a wonderful image that evokes. If we can just maintain this state of bureaucratic confusion and paralysis for the remaining eight years, our country will, in Abraham Lincoln's words, "experience a new birth of freedom."

Megan Durham of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is quoted by the AP as being perplexed as to whether they are permitted to deny human use of land currently being enjoyed by the "arroyo southwestern toad." Following the Israeli West Bank precedent, now is the moment for hardy bands of southwestern ranchers to quickly build farm houses in the toad's domain it's always harder to drive people out than to block their entry.

Mr. Bush's reversal of another Clinton regulation protects our right to take helicopter sightseeing tours over national parks. Not content to make it hard for Americans to drive around our national parks, Mr. Clinton's 11th-hour regulation would have banned even aerial tours of these national treasures. I can tell you from personal experience, there is no better way to enjoy our national parks than by helicopter. You need not waste days marching about on the ground, catching your Bermuda shorts on thorns or getting dirt all over your safari suit. You can see each national park better by helicopter in only 45 minutes. Then it's back to the hotel for a drink on the verandah.

The president must, of course, deal with the great issues of war and peace, Social Security and Medicare. But for most of us, the daily threat to our freewheeling American lifestyle is posed by the remorseless, ant-like advance of legions of federal bureaucrats spreading pointless and irritating regulations to snare us as we attempt to live our free lives. I hope that Mr. Bush will not stop rescinding federal regulations. If he can rescind just two freedom-snuffing regulations a day, he will have eliminated 11,680 of them by the end of his second term, and life will be measurably better.

I find myself surprisingly exhilarated by the knowledge that we are about to have our federal government run by men and women who will get up in the morning unencumbered by the liberal urge to meddle in our lives. As one who has worked as a political appointee in a federal department, I would like to take this opportunity to give some advice to the thousands of young schedule C political appointees who are, even now, entering the dreaded bureaucracy.

First of all, when your department gets a scolding letter of inquiry from Senator Hillary, misplace it. After her staff has written two or three increasingly frustrated letters, send back a form letter thanking her for her inquiry. Then, wait four or five months before assigning it to the laziest, most incompetent GS4 you can find (there will be many of them). Monitor his or her work carefully, making sure that your department's reply is never responsive to the senator's request.

Let your staff go home early. If they are not at their desks, they can't harm the country. Unless you happen to be working in one of the few offices that does something useful for citizens, create a reorganized office chart so that any crafty bureaucrats who have learned how to interfere in people's lives are assigned to new responsibilities. Usually it will take them several months to figure out how to use their new powers to disrupt freedom. If they are quick learners reorganize again.

See the movie, "Bridge on the River Kwai" as a cautionary tale. In that movie, an English army officer is captured by the Japanese during World War II. He is so proud of his efficiency that he ends up building a bridge for his captors that they can use for their war-making against England. You are in enemy territory. Subvert from within. Godspeed.


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