- The Washington Times - Thursday, July 19, 2001

Jillian Barberie is tied up in Makeup, so she’s asked me to administer “The Test” this morning. Perhaps you’ve caught her show on the FX network late at night. The Fox Sports weather vixen asks a group of celebrity guests a series of questions designed to reveal how neurotic they are or how dysfunctional their families are or how well they’re coping with life. It’s real high-brow stuff.
Anyway, I’ve come up with a test for sports fans just like ones Jillian gives. Think you’re man (or woman) enough to take it? OK, here we go:
If you had the opportunity to cure cancer, but only if you gave up watching “Arliss,” would you do it?
0 yes 0 no
You’re at a restaurant, and you spot a famous sports figure sitting at another table. Do you:
O Allow him his privacy.
O Go up to him as he’s leaving and ask him to sign your napkin.
O Interrupt his meal, thrust a pen at him and say, “How about right here on my breast?”
Does your sex drive ever wane when your favorite team is in a slump?
O yes O no
For $10 million, you have to do one of the following. Would you:
O Complete the Tour de France on a tricycle.
O Root for the Columbus Blue Jackets.
O Spend an hour trapped in an elevator with Dan Snyder.
Should crying be allowed in baseball?
O yes O no O yes, but only if whining is outlawed.
A friend has invited you to a sporting event his treat but on the day of the game he calls and says he’s sick. Do you:
O Tell him to not worry about it, you’ll do it another time.
O Offer to keep him company that night and watch the game together on TV.
O Smother him with a pillow, take the tickets and go to the game yourself.
A month after the football season ends, do you still feel “incomplete”?
O yes O no
Which of these acts do you consider the most embarrassing:
O Calling out Jill Arrington’s name in your sleep.
O Seeing “Happy Gilmore” 15 times.
O Waiting in line overnight to be the first customer at a new ESPN Zone.
When you were younger, did you ever take advantage of some kid who didn’t know better and swap him, say, a Don Blasingame for a Mickey Mantle?
O yes O no
An NFL cheerleader winks at you during one of her routines. How do you interpret this?
O She likes me. She really likes me.
O Aw, I’ll bet she does that to all the guys.
O She probably has something in her eye.
If you were forced to choose between your spouse and the Golf Channel, which way would you go?
O your spouse O Golf Channel
Do you tend to remember yourself as a much better athlete than you really were?
O yes O no
You just caught Barry Bonds’ 71st home run ball. Team officials are taking you down to the locker room to meet him. Do you:
O Graciously hand the ball over to him, no strings attached.
O Trade it for an assortment of autographed items (a Barry jersey, a couple of Barry’s bats, etc.).
O Congratulate him on breaking Mark McGwire’s record and then put the ball up for bids on EBay.
Would it be worth 10 years off your life to play doubles, just once, with Anna Kournikova?
O yes O no
If a person seated next to you at a game, a total stranger, suddenly had a heart attack and keeled over, would you:
O Immediately get an usher.
O Wait until the next timeout to do something about it.
O Finish his beer.
And lastly …
Have you actually been answering these questions as you’ve been reading this column?
O yes O no

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