- The Washington Times - Friday, May 25, 2001

I am Cedric W. Dempsey, president of the NCAA, and this memorandum concerns the nominating process behind the 11th annual Woman of the Year Award, sponsored by Rawlings.

I am urging your institution to submit two nominees, one of whom must be ethnically diverse. If your institution does not have a worthy minority candidate, then you are permitted only one nominee.

The NCAA is committed to gender and ethnic diversity, and I, Cedric W. Dempsey, have identified these two elements of humanity as a top priority.

Your senior nominees should be outstanding in all areas of campus life, including athletics, academics, service and leadership. To ensure a wide cross-section of student-athletes, I am granting each institution two nominees. I even may grant an institution three nominees if it has a Pygmy field hockey player.

This taints the nominating process, of course, but the NCAA must meet the tenets of political correctness, no matter how contrived and ridiculous it may seem to outsiders.

Next year, in keeping with our commitment to diversity, we will allow each institution to submit three nominees, as long as one of the female student-athletes has a severe case of acne. We do not want to exclude anyone on the basis of race, religion and acne, and as some of you know, acne is a highly discriminatory condition, especially if you are in a nightclub that caters to the singles crowd.

I am Cedric W. Dempsey, president of the NCAA, and it is my goal, my No. 1 priority, to one day live in a colorblind world. Until that day arrives, however, I would like you to check out the color of all your female student-athletes.

In the years ahead, as the NCAA Woman of the Year Award evolves, I think it will be necessary to make a special allowance for flat-chested women in the nominating process. They, too, suffer from discrimination, notably in beauty pageants. I never have seen a flat-chested woman, no matter how beautiful, survive a beauty pageant's rigorous screening process. Not that I watch that many beauty pageants.

This would allow each institution to nominate four female student-athletes: one who is not bound by official edict, one who is ethnically diverse, one who suffers from acne and one who never leaves home without a Wonderbra.

I am Cedric W. Dempsey, president of the NCAA, and I live in an imperfect world and govern an imperfect organization. Hopefully, in a more perfect future, your institution will have an outstanding candidate who best exemplifies the above conditions. She won't just be a top-notch student-athlete who helps out at the local soup kitchen.

She will be an ethnically diverse candidate, perhaps even a descendant of Jim Thorpe who is incredibly flat-chested and has one of the worst cases of acne in America. It also would be pretty neat if she were blind in one eye, lost a couple of toes in a lawn mowing accident as a youth and overcame carpal tunnel syndrome.

We at the NCAA care deeply about America's future, and despite what you may think, we have no official position at this time on breast implants, except to say that it is a highly individual matter that should be left to the individual.

The NCAA Woman of the Year, along with the representatives from each state, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, will be honored at a dinner in Indianapolis Oct. 21.

We will try not to offend anyone with our menu, so no dead animals will be served, because animals have feelings, too, although we at the NCAA hold no ill feelings toward Holly Farms.

If you have any questions, please contact Jan Gentry, enforcement representative, or Lisa Turner, assistant director of special events, at the national office in Indianapolis. The number is (317) 917-6222.

I am Cedric W. Dempsey, president of the NCAA, and I thank you for your time and cooperation.

Incidentally, if the 2001 Woman of the Year happens to be missing a couple of front teeth because of periodontal disease, that would be so much the better.

We just won't allow her to smile in the pictures.

Cheers.


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