- The Washington Times - Monday, December 30, 2002

I hereby resolve
Inside the Beltway invited you, our readers, to tell politicians what you'd like their 2003 resolutions to be. Without further ado:
Incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Tennessee Republican: "I resolve to do exercises each day to keep my spine stiff." (Gregory V. Macievic, health physicist, National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, Health-Related Energy Research Branch)
Incoming Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, South Dakota Democrat: "I resolve not to use the phrase 'Frankly, I'm troubled' for the entirety of the year 2003 because, frankly, troubled people belong in therapy, not in the United States Senate." (Milt Kelly, Fisher, Ill.)
Sen. Patty Murray, Washington Democrat: "As a member of the U.S. Senate, I resolve to investigate why the United States hasn't built schools, roads, infrastructure, day care facilities and health care facilities in Third World countries so that we can get the same respect these countries have for Osama bin Laden, who was mainly known for building terrorist organizations." (Dave Dahlke, Port Orchard, Wash.)
Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman, Connecticut Democrat: "I resolve not to spit out a two-word thought while whining interminably." (Frances Haynes, Memphis, Tenn.)
Sen. Robert C. Byrd, West Virginia Democrat: "I resolve not to vote for funding any more building projects in West Virginia to be named for Senator Robert Byrd." (Les Sper, Cincinnati)
Democratic Sens. John Kerry of Massachusetts and Byron L. Dorgan of North Dakota, and Rep. Richard A. Gephardt of Missouri: "We resolve to release the formulation of our hair spray in order to allow Harley riders to purchase it and thereby obtain waivers from California's motorcycle helmet laws." (Fred Daniels, Fairfield, Calif.)
Mr. Byrd: "I resolve to look in my dictionary for the definition of ad infinitum." (Dick Tracey, Washington, D.C.)
Mr. Kerry: "I resolve to ensure that my haircut reflects my position on Iraq." (R.O.H., Charleston, S.C.)
Mr. Daschle: "I resolve not to use the terms 'bipartisan' or 'bipartisanship' until I learn what they mean." (Robert S. Teachout, Crofton, Md.)
Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Massachusetts Democrat: "I resolve that all children should have access to the same educational opportunity as my children, so I will introduce legislation to make vouchers the law of the land and have federal education monies go directly to the children for use in any school of their choice." (Alvin J. Kushner, College Park)
Mr. Frist: "I resolve to develop the intestinal fortitude (guts) to stand up for what the party purports to believe and not cave in to the rantings and ravings of the Democrats and certain special interest demagogues." (Joe McCullough, Clarksville, Tenn.)
Rep. Jim Kolbe, Arizona Republican: "I resolve to get rid of telemarketers who continue to use and abuse my phone and my answering service for soliciting and advertising purposes." (Brenda Bonilla, Tucson, Ariz.)
Rep. Barney Frank, Massachusetts Democrat: "I resolve not to investigate all the people who sent me fruitcakes." (L.S., Cincinnati)
Former President Bill Clinton: "I, William Clinton, resolve to no longer bore the people of this country with my opinion or face and will retire to Arkansas." (J.M. Mystic, Conn.)
President Bush: "I resolve to protect our borders and stop pandering to illegal aliens, by using our troops to protect our borders and not other nations." (Chris Taylor, Phenix City, Ala.)
Mr. Bush: "I resolve to enact our border protection equal to or more than protection enacted to the Pakistan-Afghanistan border." (L.D. Fore, Miles City, Mont.)
Mr. Bush: "I resolve to round up all illegal aliens and expel them so far from our borders that they'll need months at least to try to return." (F.B. Mitchell, Silver Spring)
Sen. John McCain, Arizona Republican: "I will be John McCain, not the media creature of 2000." (Ken Howes, Holyoke, Mass.)
Mr. Bush: "I resolve to learn the correct pronunciation of the word 'nuclear.'" (Padma, Washington, D.C.)
Mr. Frist: "I resolve to declare legislatively that Christianity is the foundation upon which our country and Constitution are built. Therefore, Christian symbols and rituals are not threats to the separation of church and state, nor is any religion a threat unless believers are forcibly denied the right to practice beliefs at appropriate times and places." (Mrs. M. Hagemann, Louisville, Ky.)
Sen. Carl Levin, Michigan Democrat: "I resolve to wear my glasses next to my eyes." (Martha Windscheif, Rochester Hills, Mich.)
All elected officials in Washington: "I resolve that when I do or say a dumb, stupid, inexcusably inane thing I will own up to it immediately, throw myself upon the mercy of my fellow Americans, and ask for their forgiveness instead of trying to evade responsibility with a bunch of carefully crafted slick words that I think will get me off the hook, but which succeed only in identifying me as just another political hack who thinks that saving my career is more important than being truly repentant." (Pat Bloebaum, Jacksonville, Fla.)
Mr. Clinton: "I still resolve to stop cheating at golf." (Ryan J. Baker, Atlanta)

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