- The Washington Times - Saturday, February 23, 2002

OLYMPIC REPORT
February 22, 2002
Mr. Jacques Rogge
President,
International Olympic Committee

RE: KISS performing in Closing Ceremony; appeal and request for immediate dismissal.
Dear President Rogge:
It has been brought to our urgent attention that at the Winter Olympic Closing Ceremony to be held at Rice-Eccles Stadium on 24th February, Kiss, an aged American rock band, will be performing the song "Rock and Roll All Nite."
It also has been brought to our attention that Gene Simmons, the band's 52-year-old front man, publicly made the following statement: "At the end, you want fireworks, and that's what Kiss is all about. There isn't a country in the world where Kiss isn't known."
In accordance with accepted international standards for entertainment and good taste, as well as Geneva Convention prohibitions on cruel and unusual punishment, the Winter Olympics are no place for:
1. A garishly theatrical act whose musical relevance expired in the 1970s; whose modus operandi involves oil-based face paint, tongue gymnastics and action figurines; whose fan base refers to itself as an "army" and which refuses to acknowledge the passage of cultural time; and whose front man, old enough to be the father of college-age children, proclaims himself "all about fireworks."
2. A song that belongs on the "Dazed and Confused" soundtrack, assuming it isn't already there.
However, Closing Ceremony executive producer Don Mischner has nevertheless invited Kiss to perform on 24th February, alongside 'N Sync, Christina Aguilera, Gloria Estefan with a rap accompaniment, and Bon Jovi, who will sing "It's My Life."
It is our belief that this is an egregious breach of Olympic protocol. It also is our belief that there are, in fact, nations in the world where Kiss is not known.
Therefore, on behalf of the entire Washington Times Olympic Delegation, it is my appeal and request that the above obvious error in judgment be corrected by the IOC and that the scheduled appearance of Kiss be canceled at once.
If a cancellation does not occur, The Washington Times delegation will have no choice but to withdraw from the Winter Games, effective immediately.
I look forward to your confirmation on this critical and urgent issue, as well as future discussion regarding the presence of Jon Bon Jovi in an official Olympic role.

With my regards,

Patrick A. Hruby
Reporter/Chef de Mission
Washington Times Olympic Delegation

-

THE BUZZ
Protests and grievances
UP ARROW
Light the rage inside.

Russians, Koreans want second golds
DOWN ARROW
Yeah, and we want a raise.

Russians threaten to pack up, go home, boycott Athens
UP ARROW
Good. Remember Los Angeles? More medals for us.

Koreans threaten lawsuit against referee
UP ARROW
But only if Cochran is available.

Russians protest hockey match vs. Czechs
DOWN ARROW
Um, didn't you win?

Wayne Gretzky, mad as heck
UP ARROW
Suddenly looks less whiny.

U.S. women's curlers take fourth
DOWN ARROW
Protest time!

Hughes wins gold
UP ARROW
No cover jinx for Time.

Kwan takes bronze
DOWN ARROW
Newsweek, on the other hand …

Russians protest Slutskaya's silver
SIDEWAYS ARROW
While you're at it, protest her last name.

Team Canada, women's hockey champs
UP ARROW
The real winners? Sale and Pelletier. Somehow.

Monday
UP ARROW
Can't come soon enough.


POSTCARD FROM SALT LAKE CITY
While relaxing after Thursday night's women's hockey gold medal match, Your Man in the Slush decided to catch a little television. Bad idea: Within five seconds of flipping on the tube, we were exposed to a local sportscaster "interviewing" Chris Chelios and Brett Hull bobblehead dolls.
Has Stuart Scott heard about this?
According to news reports, the Olympics have been anything but a boom for the local sex trade. Before the Games, escort services loaded up on extra girls and drivers only to find Olympic demand, well, flaccid.
"We can't wait until next week," one escort told the Salt Lake Tribune. "[Olympic customers] ask for full service [sex], and we tell them, 'No, it's not legal.' They can't believe it. And they're cheap. They think they can get it all for $100."
The official Russian letter of protest regarding Irina Slutskaya's silver medal in women's figure skating was get this written by hand. Apparently, all of the nation's Cold War-era typewriters have finally given out.
Understatement of the Games After Japanese cross-country skiing coach Kazunari Sasaki inadvertently pointed an unloaded biathlon rifle at police near the Soldier Hollow Olympic venue, he had this to say:
"I heard afterward that if I pointed a gun at the police, they could have shot [me]. I'm so glad they didn't."
Say this for tomorrow's Closing Ceremony: It doesn't include Scott Hamilton.
Patrick Hruby



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