- The Washington Times - Thursday, January 3, 2002

The following are my predictions for the new year. Some may seem far-fetched, but in the past, I have been able to outpredict many of those who claim to have the gift of seeing into the future. Time will tell, but remember, you read it here first.

Setting a new record for procrastination, the New York State budget for the year 2001 will be passed in 2002. Lawmakers will then concentrate on being re-elected.

Al Gore will run for governor of Florida and be elected after Dan Rather requests a recount.

Sen. Ted Kennedy will request a substantial tax cut for all Americans. He will then enter a halfway house for therapy.

The French, who invented the barbaric guillotine, will reverse their stand against capital punishment.

Network anchormen will be replaced by robots who will give off a high-pitched alarm when reading news slanted to the left.

Americans across the country will forge birth certificates to prove they are not yet eligible for Medicare.

There will be 250 additional plants, animals and insects added to the endangered species list, making it impossible to walk across a field without being subjected to a fine.

Native Americans running casinos will be in a position to buy back most of the land the great white father confiscated.

Bill O'Reilly, Tim Russert and other fast-speaking talk-show hosts will be required to let a guest finish a sentence.

There will be proof that regardless of an increase in miles per gallon, death comes quicker in a small car in the event of an accident.

There will be a study to determine why the highest paid athletes have the weakest hamstrings.

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan will cut 4 more points on the interest rate, requiring the elderly who own CDs to pay the bank for keeping their money.

Much to the consternation of the Democrats, we will be allowed to invest 2 percent of our Social Security deduction in something worthwhile.

San Francisco will beat Time magazine to it and name a female Person of the Year.

Someone with a bad liver will sue the distillery for damages, and after a jury of abstainers finds for the plaintiff lawyers, they will throw a cocktail party and smoke cigars to celebrate the fact that you can fool 12 of the people most of the time.

A politician will be elected without answering how he feels about abortion.

An American Civil Liberties Union attorney will be fired when it is discovered he has encouraged his children to live by the Ten Commandments.

John Walker will be defended by the dream team.

A union leader will be indicted for fraud but will be acquitted by a jury of Teamsters.

Athletes who make $10 million a year will quite frequently hire someone to play in their place.

By 2003, I will have proved that I am a gifted psychic. Happy New Year.


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