- The Washington Times - Sunday, July 28, 2002

Bicycle races, I've decided, should be handicapped like horse races. For instance, if Lance Armstrong competes in the Tour de France again, he should have to deliver copies of Le Monde along the way, just to even things out.

Daryl Gardener is Dan Snyder's kind of player: overpaid and underachieving.

FYI: What's complicating the Patrick Ramsey negotiations isn't the contract the Houston Texans gave Jabar Gaffney, the next pick in the draft (seven years, $5.35million, $2.15million signing bonus). It's the contract the Chargers gave Drew Brees a year ago (four years, $3.6million, $2million to sign).
Why? Because Brees' deal is laced with incentives that could increase its value to $10million. Ramsey and Brees were both the 32nd player selected, though Patrick went in the first round and Drew at the top of the second.

Neil from Gaithersburg writes: "Your column on the Oklahoma drill last week omitted one key detail: who the inventor was."
Dear Neal: I'm pretty sure it was the Marquis de Sade.

Hide the women and children: Members of the media who are bunking in one of the Dickinson College dormitories during training camp were handed the following notice when they checked in:
"[We] want to make you aware that you will be sharing the [dorm] with two other small groups:
"8 students from the Institute for the Advancement of Education.
"33 students who are part of a Pre-College Program that Dickinson sponsors.
"With the exception of the organizers of these groups, and a few RAs, all of these participants are minors. For the well being of all, [we] would ask that the only interaction you have with any of them would be a polite hello if you pass them in the hallway. Please do not at any time invite any of these participants into your rooms, or enter their rooms."
Sounds like they still enforce the one-foot-on-the-floor rule at Dickinson.

Another thing that's prohibited in Carlisle: "Cruising" on Hanover Street.
(Or so the signs say.)

I suppose surfing is verboten, too.

Terry Allen just won't go away, will he? He signed on last week for his second tour of duty in New Orleans (after playing four games with the Saints at the end of the 2000 season). The way the club looks at it, Terry might be a slower runner than predecessor Ricky Williams, but he's a much faster driver (133mph vs. 126).

Hanging on as TA has been doing since leaving the Redskins in '99 does have its benefits. By grinding out 658 yards last year for the Ravens, Allen moved past nine running backs James Brooks, Freeman McNeil, Larry Csonka, Gerald Riggs, Roger Craig, Herschel Walker, Earnest Byner, Joe "the Jet" Perry and Jim Taylor and into 18th place on the all-time rushing list (with 8,614). If he can gain 794 more, he'll pull ahead of Earl Campbell (who finished with 9,407). Not bad for a guy with Terry's medical history.

Patriots QB Tom Brady was asked on the first day of camp what the weirdest thing about his offseason was. His reply? "Getting invited to proms."

Just wondering:
Why does a batter get suspended for three games for throwing a ball at a pitcher (as Torii Hunter did for plunking Danys Baez), but a pitcher usually gets docked only one start for throwing a ball at a batter?
If a golfer uses a belly putter for a number of years, does he run the risk of it becoming ingrown?

Yeah, Tiger Woods and his Grand Slam dream got doused in the British Open. But if you counted only the first, second and fourth rounds and tossed out the 81 Tiger fashioned in last Saturday's squall the leader board would have looked like this:
Woods 70-68-65 203 (10 under)
Padraig Harrington 69-67-67 203
Shigeki Maruyama 68-68-68 204 (9 under)
Thomas Levet 72-66-66 204
Gary Evans 72-68-65 205 (8 under)
Peter O'Malley 72-68-65 205
Duffy Waldorf 67-69-69 205

Of course, if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all look like Craig Stadler.

Speaking of Tiger's troubles in the third round, any day now I expect him and Nike to introduce a new line of all-weather gear for golfers (e.g. shoes shaped like flippers, umbrellas the size of retractable roofs, balls equipped with homing devices, golf bags that float).

Watching Levet hoist Ernie Els after Barry Bonds threw Torii Hunter over his shoulder in the All-Star Game gave me an idea for a new TV show: "Celebrity Athlete Lifting." Think ESPN2 would go for it?

Imagine the possibilities. You could have a sports figure spin a big wheel with all these jocks' names on it, and click, click, click "Oh, no, Michelle Kwan is going to have to bench-press 'Butterbean'!"

Never mind the Asian Invasion. You know the face of the PGA Tour is changing when somebody named Spike wins a tournament.

That would be Robert Lynn "Spike" McRoy, who prevailed last weekend in the B.C. Open. (Perhaps you remember him tying for third in the 2001 Kemper or missing the cut this year.) Anyway, now that he's claimed his first Tour victory, McRoy has to be considered one of the Greatest Spikes in Sports History (not that there have been that many). The company he keeps:
Spike Dudley, wrestling The Mini-Me of WWE at 5-5, 150 pounds. Early in his career he was famous for getting tossed into the fifth row, but he recently joined forces with Tazz to capture the Tag Team Championship. Real name: Matthew Hyson.
Spike Dykes, football Coached Texas Tech to an 82-67-1 record and seven bowl games from 1987 to '99. Earned Coach of the Year honors in both the Southwest Conference and the Big 12. Real name: William Taylor Dykes.
Spike Gehlhausen, auto racing Best moment might have been his 10th-place finish in the '79 Indy 500. Real name: beats the heck out of me.
Spike Owen, baseball Fine defensive shortstop who batted .246 in 13 seasons with the Mariners, Red Sox, Expos, Yankees and Angels (1983-95). Real name: Spike Dee Owen.
Spike Lee, filmmaker Not much of an athlete, but he did write and direct "He Got Game," a decent movie about basketball starring NBAer Ray Allen (and also featuring Rick Fox, Travis Best, John Wallace and Walter McCarty). Real name: Shelton Lee.

And finally
News item: 74-year-old man with only one arm makes second hole-in-one.
Comment: Does Dr.Richard Kimble know about this?


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