- The Washington Times - Thursday, May 16, 2002

D.C. Fire Chief Ronnie Few is a victim of the times, with a doctored resume in one hand and the results of another investigation in the other.
Wherever he goes, with a resume and cover letter attached, well-meaning people insert fabrications into his background to enhance his appeal. They apparently can't help themselves, mesmerized as they are by the power and glory of Chief Few.
Here's another degree. Here's another honor. Here's another anecdote involving a cat that was rescued from a tree limb by Chief Few.
This is the bureaucratic version of the fish tale. Chief Few's nose becomes larger with each telling.
First, his flimsy resume was the fault of a secretary in Augusta, Ga. Now it is the fault of someone in the D.C. mayor's office. Soon it will be the fault of the man on the grassy knoll.
Stop. He is too much. He is killing the funny bone.
Alas, this is how it goes if you are Chief Few. You show up somewhere, and people employ your resume to hold a creative-writing seminar.
Ernest Hemingway used to inspire such passion. Now it is Chief Few.
All across the city, young writers gather in coffee shops to discuss the latest wrinkle, notation and comma in Chief Few's resume.
He undoubtedly would look better if he held an honorary doctorate from George Washington University. Bingo. It is done.
How about the time Chief Few ran into a burning apartment building and pulled out all the occupants and then, against all odds, re-entered the building one last time to retrieve all the photo albums? That feels worthy of the Medal of Honor. Go ahead, insert it in his resume. It works.
The city, as always, is endeavoring to figure out these series of clerical foul-ups against Chief Few. The city is looking under the bed of each resident, hoping to discover the smoking laptop computer, plus installing additional cameras and concrete barriers.
Chief Few's resume also has been posted on the walls of the post office. Have you seen his resume? It is considered artistically shallow and extremely wordy. Do not attempt to add your literary shine to it. Call the proper authorities immediately.
The mayor's office, in particular, is in a hurry to finger the culprit. It is, after all, the fault of someone in the mayor's office, and an official apology to Chief Few is warranted, if not the keys to the city.
His good name has been dragged through the mud in the news media, along with his chameleonlike resume. Voila. Now you see it. Now you don't.
The city health inspector is being encouraged to quarantine Chief Few's resume, no doubt because of its contagious nature. It has not been determined if Chief Few's resume caught the infection from the resumes of his three assistants, one of whom has elected to fall on his fire hose, or if it was the other way around.
Regardless of which resume is the Typhoid Mary, there is a lot of it going around in the D.C. fire department.
Honk if your fire official claims to be a Renaissance man.
For now, various investigators around the city are moving forward in their interminable quest to find truth, justice and whatever. The whatever part appears to be baffling the powers that be.
Another week has passed, and Chief Few is still around, bobbing, weaving, floating like a butterfly and stinging the mayor's office like a bee.
A fictitious resume has led to a powerful case of group inertia, while tone deaf has been added to the charges against Chief Few.
It seems Chief Few can't write a resume, he can't play by the rules around good old Carl Holmes, and worse, he can't take a hint and resign, effective immediately.
In the months ahead, after the blame has been shifted to the one-armed man, perhaps Chief Few will come down with an overwhelming desire to spend some quality time with his family.
That must be the hope of the mayor's office as the resume flap drags ahead.


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