- The Washington Times - Sunday, February 23, 2003

Well, the Daytona 272 was certainly thrilling. I can hardly wait for today's Subway 218.

Have you seen Mike Tyson's latest tattoo, the one on the left side of his face? He looks like he's auditioning for the part of Queequeg in "Moby Dick."

Iron Mike's matchup with Clifford Etienne last night didn't stimulate a whole lot of interest in Canada, it seems. When a Web site up there, www.canoe.ca, conducted a poll asking "Who Will Win?" more than 60 percent marked the circle next to "I Don't Care."

I Don't Care … I Don't Care. Wasn't he the shortstop in the "Who's on First" routine?

This snowstorm we just had ain't nothin', trust me. I can remember getting buried by 50 inches of the stuff during the Blizzard of '78 in New England. Two days later, I drove my trusty Ford Pinto from Massachusetts to Rhode Island on roads that weren't fit for man or beast to watch Dave Gavitt's Providence Friars upset North Carolina, 61-59. The Civic Center was absolutely packed, despite the arctic weather. Some people, I'm convinced, got there by snowmobile (or maybe dogsled).

It was a pretty good Tar Heels team, too. Phil Ford was a senior, and he had Dudley Bradley, Al Wood and Mike O'Koren to dish off to.

Karl Malone might be on our 2004 Olympic basketball team? What, George Mikan had a schedule conflict?

Barbados, Kenya, Turkey. Why doesn't Sports Illustrated ever shoot the Swimsuit Issue in, say, Waldorf?

A Quick Swimsuit Issue Quiz:
1. Which Swimsuit cover girl played a place kicker in the 1991 movie "Necessary Roughness"?
2. Where are Norman Cay (1966 issue), Bahia (1978), the Caicos (1991) and the island of Lanzarote (1992) located?
3. Who has adorned the cover of more Swimsuit Issues than anyone else?
4. Which of the following did not appear on the cover of a Swimsuit Issue?
(a) "Nothing But Bikinis"; (b) "3D Glasses Inside!" (c) "Zowie, It's Maui"; (d) "The Not So Virgin Islands."
5. True or false: One cover featured a blonde beauty named Sunny Bippus.
6. What's the easiest way to tell identical twins Yvette and Yvonne Sylvander apart on the 1976 cover?
7. Who's the only Swimsuit cover model to hide behind sunglasses?
(Answers later in column.)

Little-known fact: This year's Swimsuit Issue doesn't contain a single Viagra ad.

Just wondering: If Angie Harmon ever threatened to leave Jason Sehorn, could he use the franchise tag on her?

My seventh grader, the would-be statistician, is horrified by some of the mistakes he's finding on his Topps baseball cards this year, especially the managers' cards.
"They've got Lou Piniella with a career record of 2,385-1,295," he says. "That would put him third on the all-time list for wins behind Connie Mack [3,731] and John McGraw [2,763]. The only problem is that his career record is 1,319-1,135.
"They've got Frank Robinson with a career record of 1,515-759. It should be 763-830. They've got Mike Hargrove with a record of 1,703-953. It should be 925-872. They've got Jimy Williams with a career record of 1,373-773. It should be 779-671. I don't know where they're getting these numbers."
I don't know either, buddy, but the Sunday Column promises to get to the bottom of it.

I mean, if you can't trust a Topps baseball card, who can you trust?

Answers to Swimsuit Issue Quiz:
1. Kathy Ireland (1989, '92 and '94 covers).
2. Norman Cay is in the Bahamas, Bahia is on the coast of Brazil, the Caicos are in the Caribbean and Lanzarote is one of the Canary Islands.
3. Elle Macpherson, four.
4. Actually, all have appeared on the cover of a Swimsuit Issue.
5. True (1966).
6. Yvette's wearing the one-piece.
7. Cheryl Tiegs in 1970.

News item: Canadian golfer Brian Kontak will attempt to qualify for the U.S. Women's Open.
Comment:
Today the Women's Open, tomorrow the cover of the Swimsuit Issue.

Elsewhere in golf, Annika Sorenstam has begun her preparations for the Colonial. She's hitting more long irons, spending extra time on her short game and getting used to hearing the words, "You're away."

Something must be wrong with my ears. Every time a sportscaster says "Annika," I hear "Evel Knievel," and every time one says "Colonial," I hear "Snake River Canyon."

In honor of Switzerland's improbable 3-0 lead over New Zealand in the America's Cup, the Sunday Column proudly presents Great Moments in Swiss Sports History That Didn't Involve Snow or Ice:
1924 Swiss gymnasts take the top four spots in the men's side horse at the Olympics. Josef Wilhelm gets the gold, Jean Gutweniger the silver and Antoine Rebetez the bronze.
1941 Ilsebill Pfenning ties the world record in the women's high jump with a leap of 1.66 meters (about 5 feet, 53/8 inches).
1950-51 Ferdi Kubler and Hugo Koblet pedal to victory in the Tour de France, the only times the Swiss have won the event.
1972 Equestrienne Christine Stuckelberger becomes just the second woman to capture the gold medal in dressage at the Summer Games.
1980 Cyclist Robert Dill-Bundi takes home the 4000-meter pursuit gold at the Moscow Olympics.
1992 Switzerland is runner-up in the Davis Cup, losing in the final round to the United States, 3-1. In the key doubles match, John McEnroe and Pete Sampras rally from a two-set deficit to defeat Marc Rosset and Jakob Hlasek.
1993 Werner Gunthor puts the shot 72 feet, 1 inch, to take his third straight world championship.
1997 Martina Hingis wins three legs of tennis' Grand Slam the Australian Open, Wimbledon and the U.S. Open.
1998 Switzerland finishes second in the Federation Cup, bowing to Spain in the finals, 3-2. Hingis wins both points for the Swiss, but she and Patty Schnyder are drubbed in the decisive doubles match, 6-0, 6-2, by Conchita Martinez and Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario.

Number of the Week: $1.75. (Average amount, per-game, that football ticket prices have been lowered at the University of Nebraska after the Cornhuskers went 7-7 last season.)

In addition to rolling back prices, the school has ordered a makeover for Herbie Husker, its previously potbellied mascot. Yup, come September, Herbie is going to have Abs of Steel.

And finally …
True story. Maryland quarterback Scott McBrien's elderly grandmother was in the hospital when the Terps were playing Tennessee in the Peach Bowl. At one point in the game, a nurse told one of McBrien's relatives, "I think dementia is beginning to set in [with granny]."
McBrien's relative: "What makes you say that?"
Nurse: "She thinks her grandson is the quarterback for Maryland."


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