- The Washington Times - Wednesday, January 1, 2003

Clinton monument
It vibrates, it tickles, it stimulates, it vacillates, it talks, it exaggerates.
What is it?
It's the Talking Slick Willie Presidential Massager, with batteries included at a bargain price of $29.99.
"It's just our little way of erecting a monument to a great American tradition," explains Austin, Texas-based JJK Industries, makers of the red, white and blue (gray on top) massager. "So the Slick Willie Presidential Massager is in no way aimed at demeaning or insulting the man or the office."
Of course not.
So, how does one turn on Slick Willie?
To make Slick Willie talk, simply press the white button below his feet on the pedestal. Each time, Slick Willie recites one line. (He says seven funny phrases in all.)
To make Slick Willie vibrate, simply turn on the switch on the back of the pedestal. Slick Willie vibrates at one speed.
Of course, care should be taken when using any massager, especially this one. Slick Willie is a toy, a novelty massager, and should be treated as such.
Who would buy such a toy?
Lobbyists and politicians alike, we're told, have purchased Slick Willie massagers to soothe their, um, political kinks.
"I wish he'd been this forthright and entertaining during the impeachment trial," says Kenneth W. Starr, former independent counsel, who's handled the "monument."
Inside the Beltway, as a rule, does not publish product sales information (we prefer that toy makers and others place ads in our newspaper). But in this case, knowing readers will inundate us with queries, here it is: 1-877/456-7742 or www.talkingslickwillie.com.
After all, says one anonymous former senatorial source: "Bob Dole thinks this is the best thing since Viagra."

Harsh lesson
Yours truly has just returned from the Big Sky country of Montana, where I read in the Missoulian newspaper that Uncle Sam's efforts to "level the playing field" with the Canadians has "backfired."
For decades, the newspaper writes in an editorial, U.S. lumber producers leaned on the federal government for protection from Canadian competition. So last May, Uncle Sam imposed tariffs averaging 27 percent on softwood lumber imported from Canada. (This was supposed to have made Canadian lumber 27 percent more expensive to buy in this country.)
"However, the tariffs produced the exact opposite effect. Canadian sawmills and their workers agreed to contract concessions, mills added shifts and many mills are sawing lumber from cheaper, beetle-killed timber," the editorial states.
"At one [Canadian] mill, workers eke out an extra half-hour of production per shift by staggering their coffee breaks . And guess what? Canadian mills are churning out more lumber than before. Profits are up and employment has increased.
"Meanwhile, the Canadians' surge of production has driven U.S. lumber prices to new lows, leaving many U.S. sawmills in worse shape than they were before the government came to their aid."

Comfort lovers
Don't look now, but Americans are "Immoral, Fat, Lazy, Stupid."
That's the title of Chapter 1 of veteran newspaper editor Joseph Farah's new book, "Taking America Back: A Radical Plan to Revive Freedom, Morality and Justice" (WND Books).
"I love America," Mr. Farah stresses from the start. "I love the spacious skies. I love the amber waves of grain, the purple mountains' majesty, and the fruited plains. But what I love most about America is the God-breathed revolutionary spirit that led its founders to risk everything in a desperate fight for freedom and a noble effort to write the greatest Constitution the world has ever known.
"However, something dreadful has happened to that spirit," he says. "It's gone."
Not everybody is without spirit, says Mr. Farah, the former editor of the Sacramento (Calif.) Union, among other newspapers, who has since founded WorldNetDaily.com, the Internet's largest independent news site. But apparently the vast majority of Americans are clueless about it.
"They have no sense of history," he explains. "They have no connection with their revolutionary past. They have no idea how blessed they are to live with even the fleeting legacy of freedom they inherited. They don't want to know what they can do for their country. They want to know what their country can do for them.
"It's enough to make you sick."
Mr. Farah provides myriad recipes for reclaiming the United States' heritage of liberty and self-governance. As he puts it, "It's time to wake up your neighbors."

Pass the lighter
Sign posted in the Spencer & Co. Steakhouse in Kalispell, Mont.: "Yes, you can smoke. No, you can't vote for Gore."

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