Thursday, January 16, 2003

They have been rounding up the barstool bards in Fairfax County and treating them to a night in jail. This initiative by county police is intended to save lives, improve public health and enhance the quality of conversation in the local watering holes.
The program means well, even if it is invasive, pre-emptive and a waste of taxpayers’ dollars.
We used to live in a free country. Now we live in an overregulated country. Now we live in a country of well-meaning do-gooders who purport to know what is best for us.
Put down that Big Mac. It is bad for you. Are you kidding? Guns don’t kill people; Big Macs do.
The do-gooders eat seaweed, don’t smoke and limit their alcohol intake to an occasional glass of wine, the expensive kind. They have seen the light, and they see it as a duty to impose their light, their uncanny knowledge, on you.
Isn’t the Otis Campbell-inspired goings-on in Fairfax County just another form of the overbearing thinking that has come to undermine the individual liberties Americans once prized?
This person does his thing. That person does his thing. We could agree to live and let live. But no more.
There are just too many potential dangers out there. The guy sitting on a barstool in Fairfax County is possibly a threat to the public after he has consumed two or three too many beers. What if he attempts to drive home? Then again, what if he doesn’t? This is just one of the fuzzy areas of preventive law enforcement. What if the poor guy has had a hard day at the office, is cutting loose a bit and is planning to ride home with a buddy? Who has not been there? Oh, right. Sorry. Forgot.
The do-gooders lead flawless lives. They are planning to live to 100, and they want you to join them. Their arteries are clean, their lungs pure and their kidneys and livers in peak condition. They have eliminated secondhand smoke, thirdhand smoke, all kinds of smoke, and now they are targeting the dispensers of alcohol and fast food, in tandem with the legal system and bureaucracy.
Did you know that living on fast food is probably a bad career move?
Wow. Same here. I thought the piece of lettuce on top of the cheeseburger contained all kinds of nutritional value. I was as naive as the unpleasantly plump who have initiated legal proceedings against several of the fast-food giants.
They thought they could mainline the secret sauce and live happily ever after, all the while ignoring the rolls of flesh accumulating on their bodies.
Seriously, at what point did these people start to question the benefit of consuming hamburgers, french fries, hot apple pies and soda on a daily basis? Was it when they hit the 250- or 300-pound mark? Or was it when they went into the department store to buy a new outfit and the salesperson said, “We have a nice potato sack here that will work wonders on your figure.”
This is not to question the dietary habits of the overweight or the thin or those somewhere between the two. This is to support the whatever-works-for-you principle and to dismiss the government from the mundane areas of everyday life. That goes for those who pretend to be victims and invite the government and the ambulance chasers in the legal profession to somehow make their bad choices right.
If you smoke, you shouldn’t. If you eat fried foods, you shouldn’t. If you drink too much, you shouldn’t. Are we all clear on that yet? Good. Now we know. So enough already.
We don’t need police canvassing bars in search of those with the hiccups. We don’t need the do-gooders imparting their precious insights, telling us what relatively benign substances we can or can’t ingest into our bodies. It all emanates from the same school of thought, and it is annoying. We’re all adults here, right? Please. Lighten up.
A big night out for some folks is a pan of pizza and several pitchers of beer, two of the major food groups of the unenlightened.
That undoubtedly concerns the nuts-and-berries types and their co-conspirators in Fairfax County blue.
Sir, may I please see your license to sit on a barstool? Would you please step outside and blow into the Breathalyzer?
What’s next in Fairfax County, a cholesterol check or a prostate-gland examination?
This is just great.
You can’t even be the harmless town drunk nowadays.

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