- The Washington Times - Monday, January 20, 2003

AW NUTS

Lug-nuts actually. A lug is something you hold on to. A lug nut is something that holds on to something you hold on to.

Most of us think of lug nuts as some sort of prelude to pain. We have often debated on simply doubling up the fist and smashing it into the car right from the onset — just to get the event over with. We know it WILL happen eventually.

Lug nuts just sit there. They do their job with little consultation nor coaching. Frankly, you never really need to deal with lug nut unless:

— it's foul weather,

— there's muck up to your knees,

— it's raining, thundering, lightning, snowing, or

— there are other nasty wet things falling from the sky.

Naturally, the tire that goes flat is the one exposed to the traffic side of things. There is that amusement of sticking your hind parts into traffic. We worry someone will steer towards us, or go into shock and cause an accident at the sight of butt-cleavage. Unless you are the person behind the air-wrench at the garage, lug nuts are a pain to remove and replace under the best of "manual" conditions.

We think it is a crying shame — and probably qualifies as a sinister plot, too — for auto-makers to include as the standard-equipment lug wrench a device that should be banned by the Geneva convention unless it can be outfitted with a propeller and sequins.

Every self-respecting auto owner has replaced the original equipment lug-wrench with a "star" wrench and of course tested it for fit in the parking lot of the auto-parts store — while you still have the receipt — instead of seven months later when you discover in the aforementioned rainstorm that the wrench does not EVEN come close to fitting.

If you haven't replaced that knuckle-buster from the onset, then our guess is you will after the first tire change. Or else, you'll have to be considered a really slow learner.

(Comments? Questions? Roll them on over to [email protected])



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