Hold your horses; we’re not in a race.
Get that drumstick away from your face.
Now put your fork down
And stop making that frown.
You can eat when we finish the grace.
— F.R. Duplantier
Thanksgiving is the one day set aside every year to enjoy a guilt-free meal of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries and all the trimmings.
If you are the host of such a feast this year, consider offering your guests a waiver: the Center for Consumer Freedom’s Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Agreement. During this season when food cops, public health activists and trial lawyers are promoting hysteria about the nation’s expanding waistline, the center believes Thanksgiving should remain a holiday for giving thanks and indulging.
Dinner hosts can download the waiver (www.consumerfreedom.com) and protect themselves from lawsuits filed by guests on the following grounds:
1. Failure to provide detailed nutritional information
2. Failure to warn of the potential for overeating because food tastes too good and is provided at no cost
3. Failure to offer “healthier alternatives,” such as vegetarian “Tofurkey”
4. Failure to warn that dark meat contains more fat than white meat
5. Failure to warn that eating may lead to obesity
“This waiver will prevent your guest from appearing as a witness on behalf of John ‘Sue the Bastards’ Banzhaf, who is threatening to sue restaurants, food companies and school boards for the nation’s extra pounds,” center director Richard Berman says of George Washington University law professor John F. Banzhaf III, often called a “legal terrorist.”
Fanatic and fool?
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, horribly failed California gubernatorial candidate Arianna Huffington sends acquaintances a slice from her upcoming book, “Fanatics, Fools and Alpha Males” (Having not read the entire book, it’s not clear whether Miss Huffington includes herself in the fanatics and fools chapters).
In keeping with her relentless presidential bashing, Miss Huffington sends a short collection of resignation letters by disaffected members of the Bush administration who “preferred the uncertainty of the unemployment line to toeing the party line.”
Except Miss Huffington has taken the liberty of adding excerpts from what she imagines the first drafts of these letters might have looked like. Take Mike Dombeck, chief of the U.S. Forest Service, who like others who’d worked in the Clinton administration resigned days after Mr. Bush took office: “It was made clear in no uncertain terms that the administration wants to take the Forest Service in another direction,” he wrote.
Or, as Miss Huffington reads it: “Mr. President, after all that bark-bussing and timber-tonguing, it’s a wonder you didn’t get splinters in your lip or a very painful STD (Sequoia Transmitted Disease).”
And then there’s John Brown, a Foreign Service officer of nearly 25 years, who resigned this year because he could not “in good conscience support President Bush’s war plans against Iraq.”
Or, as Miss Huffington says in her ghostwriting, Mr. Brown had the good sense to edit out words like “monumentally stupid” and “worst White House decision since the Bay of Pigs.”
For “all those” who have missed Miss Huffington’s syndicated column, she says it will resume early next month.
Alliance for Marriage President Matt Daniels says the introduction of the Federal Marriage Amendment confirms that momentum is growing in response to the recent court decision striking down the marriage laws of Massachusetts.
The constitutional amendment was crafted by the alliance and introduced in the Senate by Republican Sens. Wayne Allard of Colorado, Jeff Sessions of Alabama and Sam Brownback of Kansas.
“Americans believe that gays and lesbians have a right to live as they choose, but they don’t have a right to redefine marriage for our entire society,” he says. “Americans want our laws to send a positive message to children about marriage, family and their future.”
John McCaslin, a nationally syndicated columnist, can be reached at 202/636-3284 or email@example.com.