- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 8, 2004

The left-wing nut jobs with the Earth Liberation Front purport to know how best to treat the environment, which often leads to massive destruction and plumes of smoke in the air.

How these acts of terror comport with their Earth-friendly ideal is anyone’s guess. They are nut jobs. The work of a nut is not intended to be understood.

Investigators sifting through the smoldering awfulness of the Hunters Brooke subdivision near Indian Head are open to the prospect of the arson being the handiwork of the Earth Liberation Front or some other extremist group. As law-enforcement officials know only too well, these sick puppies have never come across a sport utility vehicle or subdivision that met their strict environmental standards.

These people make you want to reach for an airsickness bag. Once apprehended, they ought to be required to spend the rest of their empty lives in St. Elizabeths. They can hug the trees there. Or take long walks with John Hinckley. Or watch Jodie Foster movies. Or they can hurry up and die, which would be their only contribution to society.

These freaks hate urban sprawl, just hate it, to the twisted point that they are able to justify their demented acts against others. In their warped worldview, you have no right to leave your dingy apartment in the city for the affordable American dream in the distant suburbs. You have no right to improve the life of your family. You have no right to want to be out in the open space of Charles County.

Stay in your cramped town house and let the buffalo and caribou roam free in Charles County. And save the whale. And save the snail darter. And build a treehouse and live in it for a year. And save the raccoon and save the deer and save the rat.

Give the press some tears, too. Come on, you can do it, you ninny, you. Start squirting. And hug that magnolia bog. Take it out to dinner.

These people do not pollute the environment. No. Never. They never have ridden in a carbon monoxide-belching vehicle. Or flown a commercial jet. They don’t believe in consuming the crops from farms that send fertilizer runoff into our waterways. These people never have tossed away a piece of paper in their lives. They eat paper and convert it to soil-enriching fertilizers in their back yards, preferably under the cover of darkness. They eat plastic, too. Bottles. Cans. You name it. They are recycling machines.

They have their definition of the environment, and you have yours, and if you do not like it, they will burn you out of your home. They will burn your SUV, too. While they are it, they will burn your lawn mower. These people see something they don’t like and they just reach for a match. They are on a mission. They are doing God’s work.

These people seem to lack a fundamental understanding of life. People have to live somewhere, which is especially arduous in the increasingly populated Washington region.

Sorry, nut jobs, but we can’t all live in neatly arranged, demographically correct concentric circles extending outward from the urban core. Farmer X in Y County ignored your memo and is holding out to fetch a higher price from developers in the years ahead.

Here is the other thing: People have a tendency to reproduce, including the parents of the nut jobs. Their parents could have done everyone a huge favor and not produced this DNA mess. But their parents went ahead with their mistakes, and now we have to clean up after them.

Who knows? Perhaps the devastation in Hunters Brooke is not the work of the eco-nuts. Perhaps it is a nut of a different army. Or perhaps it is just a garden-variety nut.

The least all these nuts could do is hold a nut convention once a year in Las Vegas to bring a certain order to all their enlightened causes.

Wear name tags, too. Ribbons are permissible as well.

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