- The Washington Times - Sunday, July 17, 2005

You didn’t really want to see Tiger Woods lap the field in another major, did you?

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Even if Tiger doesn’t prevail in the British Open today, he stands a good chance of being the top American finisher — something he also was at the Masters and the U.S. Open. Trivia question: When was the last time one of our golfers did that in the first three Slams? (Answer below.)

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Every time a player tries to drive one of the par-4s at St. Andrews, it reminds me of Don Johnson’s character winning a challenge in “Tin Cup” by hitting his ball 8 million miles down an asphalt road.



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The most irritating moment in yesterday’s Open telecast: the shot of the kid in the Chicago Cubs cap hovering behind Woods as he prepared to tee off on the ninth hole.

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These Cubs fans, you just can’t get away from ‘em … even at the British Open.

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Did you read about the Pittsburgh man who duped women into dating him by posing as Steelers quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre? This must be what they mean by “throwing a pass” at a girl.

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The guy probably tried to impress the ladies by telling them he knew Ron Mexico personally.

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How exactly did he convince his date he was St. Pierre, anyway? Did he show up on her doorstep with a clipboard under his arm?

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The impostor also has been charged with criminal mischief for autographing a Steelers jersey owned by one of the women’s neighbors, which rendered it worthless. Still, you have to be impressed — not that he almost pulled the stunt off, but that he was able to spell “Roethlisberger.”

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Wish I’d known this the last time I was in Pittsburgh. More than one person has told me I bear a striking resemblance to Joe Theismann.

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Alas, they’ve all been men.

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The early front-runner for the 2005 Sean Taylor Award: cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones, first-round pick of the Tennessee Titans.

In April, Georgia police looked into a report that Jones was involved in a fight at an Atlanta-area nightclub. (No charges were filed.) Last week, “Pacman” surrendered to Nashville authorities on charges of assault and vandalism stemming from another nightclub fracas.

As it that weren’t enough, he hurt himself during the Titans’ rookie orientation and couldn’t practice for six weeks. (Sound familiar?)

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Sorry to hear Maryland missed out on Natick (Mass.) quarterback Bill Flutie, nephew of Doug. (He recently committed to his uncle’s alma mater, Boston College.) Just wondering: Did Ralph Friedgen mention to the kid that Doug was born in Manchester, Md.?

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That’s right, the ‘84 Heisman Trophy winner hails from Manchester (though he grew up in Natick). Little-known fact.

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Fortunately, Fridge’s recruiting class of ‘06 already features a much-sought-after QB — Jeremy Ricker of Harrisburg, Pa.

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Answer to trivia question: The last golfer to lead the American charge in the Masters, U.S. Open and British Open in the same year was Arnold Palmer in 1960. Arnie won at Augusta and Cherry Hills and placed second at St. Andrews to Australia’s Kel Nagle. Jack Nicklaus came close in ‘72, winning the first two majors but settling for the silver medal in the British behind countryman Lee Trevino.

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Memo to the Lakers: If you liked Elden Campbell, you’ll love Kwame Brown.

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L.A., I’m convinced, could be a potential minefield for Kwame. What happens, for instance, if he mistakenly uses one of Kobe Bryant’s monogrammed towels?

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These stories about Pat Riley wanting to coach the Heat again have me worried. Does this mean that, if Larry Brown leaves, Dick Vitale might try to get his old Pistons job back?

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The NBA would be a better place if it were as intolerant of errant elbows as the WNBA is. The latter suspended Detroit’s Elaine Powell for five games last week for socking the Mystics’ Coco Miller. Just so you know: A five-game suspension in the WNBA (which plays 34 games) is the equivalent of a 12-game suspension in the NBA.

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What a shock, incidentally, that Powell is coached by Bill Laimbeer.

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The first trade Laimbeer made when he became Detroit’s coach in ‘02? Acquiring Powell from Orlando.

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What, Lizzie Borden wasn’t available?

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The Wizards, always a few biceps short in the muscle department, might want to give Powell a look. I’m tellin’ ya, she could be the next Rick Mahorn.

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News item: BALCO founder Victor Conte strikes deal with federal prosecutors that includes four-month jail term.

Comment: There’ll be a lot more homers flying out of the exercise yard now, that’s for sure. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the warden moved the walls back.

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Enjoyed “Batman Begins” but didn’t understand why they made such a big deal of Bruce Wayne’s fear of bats. Heck, last I heard, Red Sox closer Keith Foulke was dealing with the same problem.

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And on the Colorado Rockies’ staff, it’s epidemic.

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You think you’ve got it tough, Caped Crusader? Try pitching to Albert Pujols 5,000 feet above sea level.

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In case you missed it, old friend Jim Schoenfeld is the new coach of the AHL’s Hartford Wolf Pack, the New York Rangers’ top farm club. Schoenfeld, who stood so stolidly behind the Capitals’ bench from 1994 to ‘97, was the GM of the Wolf Pack last season after serving a year as a Rangers assistant.

“Our objective will be to put a hard-working, energetic product on the ice for our fans,” he said, “while ensuring the continued development of the Rangers’ top prospects.” The “hard-working” and “energetic” parts sound like Schoeny, but since when do the Rangers develop prospects?

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Of course, with the salary cap coming in, they’re going to have to change the way they operate. They won’t just be able to whip out the checkbook anymore whenever they have an itch for somebody.

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Speaking of the Capitals, if I were them, I’d be playing “White Christmas” 24 hours a day over the office intercom — just for luck. The draft lottery is expected to be held in the next few days, and the Caps have a 1 in 48 shot at Canadian whiz Sidney Crosby (no relation to Bing).

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The odds are long, sure, but how cool would it be if Glen Hanlon could pair Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, the top pick in last year’s draft, on the same line?

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Can’t say I’ve ever heard of a draft lottery quite like the one the NHL dreamed up. The Capitals, for instance, started out with three balls — just like every other team — but then had one taken away because they made the playoffs in ‘03 and another confiscated because they had the first selection in the ‘04 draft.

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I could have had a lot more fun with the previous item if The Washington Times weren’t a family newspaper.

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And finally …

If the Penguins wind up with Crosby, their next highlight film should be titled, “Road to Solvency.”

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