- The Washington Times - Thursday, May 12, 2005

The “Star Wars” movie franchise is about to end. What next? Broadway? Without help from George Lucas’ special effects company Industrial Light and Magic, they’ll need live actors to play all those otherworldly creatures and robots:

R2-D2 — In this case, size matters. We need short, plump, pitiable. Danny DeVito is too malevolent. Wallace Shawn is too intellectual. But Gary Coleman seems like he could use the work.

Chewbacca — Add a bandoleer to Mr. “Cat Scratch Fever’s” customary loincloth, and you’ve got a near-perfect match in Ted Nugent. (Cost-saving bonus: He already owns the bandoleer.)

Yoda — He is all-wise. He is steeped in the knowledge of the ancients. He speaks with syntactical affectation. He is … George Will.

C-3PO — A titch more effeminate, a tad more sensitive than your

average robot. Hmmm. How ‘bout Richard Simmons?

Jar Jar Binks — The key here is an unfailing power to annoy, to maintain a presence so nails-on-chalkboard insufferable that audiences will bray, “Refund.” Dustin Diamond could be our man — he played Samuel “Screech” Powers on TV’s “Saved by the Bell.”

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