- The Washington Times - Sunday, August 13, 2006

Try saying this three times fast:

Ricky Bobby bobblehead.

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Refrigerator Perry, all 300-plus pounds of him, is promising to suit up for next year’s Lingerie Bowl — for a play, at least.

Or to put it another way, he’ll get down to the Bear essentials.

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Suggested line for the play-by-play announcer: “You can’t stop Perry, you can only hope to harpoon him.”

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If you ask me, the Fridge is a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

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Just wondering: If the Lingerie Bowl were plagued by a string of blowouts, would they change the name to Project Runaway?

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You have to be impressed with Greg Kinnear’s acting range. In one movie, the upcoming “Invincible,” he plays ultra-intense Dick Vermeil; in another, “Stuck on You,” he shares the goaltending — literally — with conjoined twin Matt Damon.

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Damon was the only one of the dual netminders, you may recall, who made the all-state team. Kinnear settled for honorable mention.

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News item: Titans rookie LenDale White spits in the face of teammate Donnie Nickey during practice.

Comment: What was that name again? PhlegmDale White?

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This would never have happened if White had been drafted by the Cardinals — like his Southern Cal buddy, Matt Leinart. In Arizona, his saliva would have evaporated before it got halfway to its intended receiver.

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The real reason Roger Goodell was chosen NFL commissioner: The maintenance crew couldn’t fit “Condoleezza” on Paul Tagliabue’s office door.

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In other NFL news, the early leader for the Captain Jack Sparrow Award is Bengals guard Eric Steinbach, who was recently charged with boating under the influence. The trophy, by the way, will be presented at halftime of the Pro Bowl by last year’s recipients, Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie of the Vikings.

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I’m tellin’ ya, if these misadventures on the high seas keep up, the NFL is going to get rid of yard stripes and start measuring fields in nautical miles.

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Speaking of the Bengals, their fans can now report objectionable behavior at Paul Brown Stadium — foul language, drunkenness, etc. — by dialing a hotline, 513-381-JERK. Repeat offenders could be ejected, lose their season tickets or, in extreme cases, be keelhauled by Eric Steinbach.

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Said a club spokesman: “We want to make sure we’re paying attention to those folks who are going over the line.”

Going over the line . … You mean, breaking the plane of propriety?

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The Patriots are hooking up with a Wisconsin sausage maker to sell — both at Gillette Stadium and in grocery stores — “Patriots First Down Beef Franks” and “Patriots Sack Attack Mild Italian Sausages” (among other delicacies). One rejected name for the meat, according to the Boston Globe, was “Pats Hut-Hut! Hot Dogs.”

Gee, I kinda like that.

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The Sunday Column is rooting for Michael Koenen to handle both the punting and kicking for the Falcons this year. Coach Jim Mora is apparently considering it after Koenen, the team’s regular punter, was 4-for-4 on field goals — all of them 40 yards or longer — in Atlanta’s exhibition opener against New England.

Trivia question: Who was the last player to handle both jobs for a club over a full season? (Answer below.)

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The saddest part of this latest Maurice Clarett episode is the bullet-resistant vest he was wearing when arrested. Obviously, the poor kid is so delusional he’s envisioning a comeback as a quarterback.

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Turning to college football, attendance-challenged Duke is giving away free tickets to its Sept. 2 home opener against Richmond. As an added bonus, the first 1,000 fans who use them will get to tailgate with the men’s lacrosse team.

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Rule changes being implemented on college gridirons this season could shorten games by 10 to 15 plays, some coaches predict. Shorter games? Who wants that? Think about it: If the rules had been in effect in 1982, the Stanford band never would have gotten on the field.

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Michelle Wie bashers take note: In her five head-to-head meetings with Annika Sorenstam this year, Wie has finished ahead of the world’s No. 1 female golfer four times — by six shots at the Nabisco, by one at the LPGA, by six at the Evian Masters and by one again at the British Open. Annika, meanwhile, has outplayed Michelle just once, in the U.S. Open (by two strokes).

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Still, Wie announced she was firing her caddie last week after tying for 26th in the British. Hey, what else can she do? She hasn’t got a husband she can fire like Sorenstam did.

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Did you see the police had to be called in to break up a shouting match between Jose Canseco and a woman at Jose’s hotel? Why am I convinced the argument was about who had the better abs?

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Answer to trivia question: The last NFL player to do double duty as a punter and kicker for an entire season was the Rams’ Frank Corral in 1981. Corral averaged 42 yards a punt, booted 17 field goals and added 36 extra points.

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And finally …

I keep hearing these conflicting stories about Harold Reynolds’ departure from ESPN. One version has Harold being axed for sexual harassment; the other has him leaving of his own volition because he “wasn’t getting enough touches.”

Note: The Sunday Column will return Sept. 3 — provided the author, now on vacation, isn’t washed out to sea.

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