- The Washington Times - Thursday, August 17, 2006

The horror flick “Snakes on a Plane,” which opens today and stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent guarding a witness aboard a passenger jet, has inspired an astonishing amount of excitement and speculation among online film geeks. Adding to all the mystery is the studio’s decision not to screen the movie in advance for critics. Hence, we can’t tell you if “Snakes” is any good, but here’s how we think it might end.

Take 1 — To start with the most obvious possibility. Mr. Jackson recites an obscure passage from the Book of Ezekiel and gets “medieval” on the snakes.

Take 2 — Mr. Jackson’s character drives off in a Greyhound bus after having saved the day, only to hear some hissing from his carry-on. Fade to black — and ready the “Snakes II” posters.

Take 3 — The plane explodes in midair, whereupon all the passengers believe they have entered a horrifying afterlife: They are trapped in pods and submerged in a strange liquid. But, really, they’re still alive, and the trap is the next Wachowski brothers movie.

Take 4 — Mr. Jackson subdues all the snakes. The passengers all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Then a terrifying roar is heard offscreen. A man in a hockey mask appears — and something akin to “Jason vs. Predator vs. Snakes” begins.

Take 5 — The snakes turn out not to exist in reality. They’re just an illusion masterminded by an “Oz”-like wizard who hides in the underbelly of the plane. When Mr. Jackson tears away the curtain, the wizard is revealed to be Mel Gibson after 10 shots of tequila.

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