- The Washington Times - Sunday, August 6, 2006

If Floyd Landis was as dehydrated after the 17th stage of the Tour de France as his lawyer claims, he wouldn’t even have been able to generate a B sample.

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That said, where’s Onterrio Smith when you really need him?

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You can understand why Middle East peace is so elusive when it takes the Mid-Atlantic Sports Network two years to get Comcast to carry Nationals games.

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Speaking of the which … if the Red Sox ever come to town for an interleague series, maybe the Nats can get Jermaine Van Buren to run in the “Presidents Race.”

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Seriously, wouldn’t it make the event even more fun if you occasionally had a Wilson (the Pirates’ Jack) or an Adams (the Mets’ Mike) in the mix? Heck, I’d even try to talk the Mets’ Ramon Castro into competing as a Guest Dictator.

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Those who would second-guess Stan Kasten and Jim Bowden for not dealing Alfonso Soriano at the trading deadline should remember what the A’s got for Mark McGwire in 1997 — specifically, pitchers T.J. Mathews, Blake Stein and Eric Ludwick. The three won all of 30 games for Oakland (Mathews 24, Stein 5, Ludwick 1).

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This Day in Future Sports History: Aug. 6, 2056.

Defiant trainer Greg Anderson marks his 50th year behind bars because of his refusal to testify to a grand jury about Barry Bonds. Anderson has now been in prison longer than Bonds was alive.

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Sources say the producers of “Who Killed the Electric Car?” are already at work on their next documentary — about the strange disappearance of the bullpen cart.

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Red Sox center fielder Coco Crisp on the continuing heroics of David Ortiz (as quoted by the Boston Globe): “You know how they say that it ain’t over till the fat lady sings? Here, it ain’t over till the big man swings.”

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Elsewhere in baseball, Avon is coming out with a line of men’s grooming products bearing Derek Jeter’s name, starting with cologne. The fragrance, set to hit the shelves in November, is a blend of chilled grapefruit, clean oak moss, spice and Glovolium.

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Jeter, savvy businessman that he is, insisted that a warning be put on the bottle, advising consumers that “This product is not to be confused with Bartolo Colon.”

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When the stuff was test-marketed, I hear, it got a decidedly mixed reception. Some simply loved the scent; others thought it put the “ripe” in pinstripe.

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Top Three Rejected Names for Derek Jeter’s Cologne (which will be called Driven, by the way):

3. L’Eau And Outside.

2. Get A Whiff Of This.

1. Derek In A Drum.

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From Terrell Owens’ sure-to-win-a-Pulitzer autobiography, “T.O.”: “Right before the first practice [with the Eagles in 2004], I was running around in a pair of black tights that I always wore in San Francisco. … On some men they might look pretty embarrassing. On me, they look good. In either case, they can be revealing.

“Maybe that’s why Coach [Andy] Reid had a rule that any player who wore tights must also wear shorts. For eight straight years I had trained in tights without shorts. All of a sudden, I had to wear shorts with them and it felt uncomfortable.”

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You worry about Dolphins coach Nick Saban, you really do. After all, the last NFL figure to turn down an invite from the President of the United States was Mark Chmura of the 1996 champion Packers, and we all know what happened to him.

(For the uninformed, Chmura skipped the traditional White House visit after Green Bay’s Super Bowl win, claiming to be repulsed by Bill Clinton’s escapades with Monica Lewinsky. He was later accused of having sex at a high school prom party with the 17-year-old babysitter of his children. Though acquitted, he never played pro football again.)

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On the subject of the Fins, Jason Taylor has filed for divorce from his wife Katina — the sister of teammate Zach Thomas. Fortunately, Zach seems to be handling it well. In fact, he told Taylor that if he needs a couch to sleep on, “I’d strongly suggest Tim Couch.”

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These new duds for NFL game officials — featuring thinner black stripes and, in cold weather, full-length black pants — will take some getting used to. But they aren’t nearly as “out there” as the uniforms worn by zebras in the early 1940s. Back then, the league had a color-coded system of jerseys for its whistle-blowers. The referee wore the traditional black and white, the head linesman wore red and white, the umpire wore orange and white and the field judge wore green and white.

Talk about wild. The crews must have looked like a bunch of Fruit Loops.

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In the NBA, meanwhile, Yao Ming has sworn off shark’s fin soup, a Chinese delicacy, as part of a campaign to promote wildlife protection. Rockets fans needn’t worry, though. Yao will continue to dine on Grizzlies, Bucks, Hawks, Bulls and Timberwolves.

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Elsewhere in hoops, GW product Pops Mensah-Bonsu must have really impressed the Mavericks with his summer league play. The Western Conference champs just gave Pops, who was passed over in the June draft, a two-year contract with the first year guaranteed.

Donnie Nelson, the Mavs’ president of basketball ops, told the Dallas Morning News that Mensah-Bonsu “was the most athletic [power forward] I saw this summer outside of Amare Stoudemire.”

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How cool would it be if Pops — 6-9 with a 38-inch vertical leap — developed into another Ben Wallace?

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And finally …

The Mavs probably liked his smarts, too. He is, after all, a member of Mensah.

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