- The Washington Times - Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Here is a thumbs-down to the Smokefree D.C. do-gooders and the D.C. Council, which voted 11-1 in favor of a smoking ban that begins next year.

I am thinking of starting a Do-Gooder-free D.C. because of the scientifically proven study that shows freedom-hating do-gooders cause high blood pressure in others.

There is nothing like a smug, arrogant, condescending know-it-all to get the eyes rolling up in the back of your head. The city, unfortunately, is awash in this character type.

These self-important nitwits seem to think they know what is best for the masses and then pat themselves on the head after they have achieved their mission.

“It is a great day for everyone who works in or patronizes a bar or restaurant in the District of Columbia,” said one of the co-founders of the nut-job group after 11 morally superior council members imposed legislation that mocks the celebrated individual liberties of a nation.

Sorry. It did not come across as a great day. It came across as just another amusing day in the bluest of blue precincts.

Really, I would prefer to have a Carbon Monoxide-Free D.C.

Or a Rat-Free D.C.

Or a Gang-Free D.C.

Or a Lead-Free D.C.

I also would prefer to have a Cholesterol-Free D.C.

Or a Body Odor-Free D.C.

Or an Ice Cream-Free D.C.

Or a Starbucks-Free D.C.

I can think of all kinds of practices and things that could be eliminated before I would be concerned with a smoky bar stuffed with drunks at midnight.

I would argue it is the right of the smoking town drunk to be a smoking town drunk, just as it is the right of servers to work in an establishment that caters to smoking town drunks.

Everyone has made a conscious decision to be in that environment, and if a server objects to being in the company of a smoking town drunk, then the server has the right to seek employment in a more pristine environment.

How simple and American is that? If you do not like where you are employed, then you go elsewhere.

But the smoke-free advocates cannot accept that.

No, they want to save lives, and they want to impose their view of life on others. They are really funny people, because they are obtuse to a fault and do not see themselves that way.

I doubt the smoke-free advocates would want to address several of my health concerns.

One is that all do-gooders make me sick, so I would like the D.C. Council to pass a measure that requires all do-gooders to carry air-sickness bags.

That way, when a do-gooder is in my presence and ends up making me sick, I can keep things tidy.

I am mainlining cholesterol as I attempt to interpret the dim thought processes of the do-gooders.

I am sure the practice of mainlining cholesterol frightens the do-gooders, because they are all about feeling the pain of humanity.

It is well-documented that cholesterol-reeking souls drive up the insurance premiums of everyone, including those who live off the nuts and berries of the city’s parks.

So McDonald’s is probably next on the hit list of the do-gooders.

One of these days, McDonald’s is probably going to be required to put warning labels on its fare, as follows: Eating this junk will kill you.

And that will be fine, because I still will consume fast food on occasion, so long as there are no do-gooders in the vicinity.

The presence of a do-gooder can cause indigestion, heartburn, hives, rashes and allergies.

It is too bad the D.C. Council cannot round up all the do-gooders in the city, stick all of them in one enclave and impose a quarantine on the area.

They stay where they are and the rest of us stay where we are.

It would be best for all concerned, health-wise, of course.

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