- The Washington Times - Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dear Ms. Vicki: How can I tell my fiancee I have a son? After we met, we became really great friends. Then we were deployed together and became really close. That’s when I learned she did not want to date anyone with children; she said she doesn’t like guys who are obligated and doesn’t want any “baby momma” drama. She wants to be married and have children with her husband first.

Our friendship has progressed over the last two years into a beautiful, loving relationship. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. The only thing she does not know is that I have a son whom I love very much, and that I am very supportive of. I would like her to meet him soon and for her to accept us both. I know she is going to be upset, but I hope she won’t end our relationship.

Ms. Vicki, you’re a woman. What can a guy do to smooth this over? - Ready to Come Clean

Dear Ready:

I thought you said you were friends. Well, if you are friends, then friends tell the truth. You have been deceptive about a son you say is very important to you. Why would you lie about having a son? What did you hope to gain by lying? Bottom line, you are starting out a relationship with a lie. Not just any lie, but lying about your son.

You could have been the man who changed her view of men with children. You really blew it! You should have been honest from the beginning.

The only thing you can do now is tell the truth. You need to admit you were being immature and selfish. Listen, you have a son. No one, no skirt, no smile and no pretty face should ever make you deny your son. Bottom line, you need to fess up immediately! You can avoid “baby momma” drama by being honest. Let me know how it goes, OK?

Dear Ms. Vicki:

I love my husband, but I’m ready to walk out. I think he does too much for his three children by his first wife. He sends them $3,000 a month in child support, plus extra things all the time. His ex-wife is a GS-13 and makes good money. Why can’t she do more for their kids? They’re 15, 17 and 20, with one in college.

This is my first marriage and I don’t think I should have to do without things I need and want because he wants to give all the money away. When we married, my husband told me he didn’t want me to work; just be there for him.

Getting my hair, nails and feet done every week is very important to me. I was able to do all those things before I married him, and I told him what it took to get me is the same thing it will take to keep me.

Now he’s telling me to get a job. I haven’t worked in two years and I love my freedom as it gives me time to spend on my hobbies and crafts. I suggested he go to court to get his child support decreased but he refused.

My concern is that my husband did not make the general officer promotion so he will have to retire as a colonel. I’m not saying that’s nothing, but how are we supposed to live on his retirement pay? He is going to need time to find another job.

Ms. Vicki, I don’t mean to sound like a brat throwing a tantrum, but I demand that he keep me in my current lifestyle. He bragged to everyone that I was his younger trophy wife and trophy wives deserve the best.

I only want the child support decreased to $1,500 a month, so he can increase my monthly allotment by $1,500. I think that’s fair. Please print my letter. I know I’m not the only wife who is going through the same thing with a greedy ex-wife and three children who are standing in the way. - Only Want What’s Mine in McLean

Dear McLean:

Please grow up! Personally, I think your husband’s children deserve more than $3,000 a month, and I also think the extras he provides are well-deserved, too. It’s none of your business about his ex-wife’s career or her income. From your report, his children are in high school and college. Why should the children do without so you can have extra play money?

Here’s my advice. Learn how to do your own hair, pedicures and manicures. That will save you at least $600 a month.

Second, you could turn those crafts into dollars by selling them. I think you should check on renting a kiosk at the PX or BX at one of the bases and sell your crafts.

Last, since you read my column in The Washington Times, you should also check out its employment section. I’m sure there is a job somewhere out there with your name on it!

You may be the trophy wife now, but every day you are getting closer to being the aging wife. Who knows, your husband might want to replace you with the next trophy wife.

Vicki Johnson, a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three, has been counseling service members and their families for 15 years. Her column, Dear Ms. Vicki, runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at [email protected]

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