Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

My husband was spotted kissing not one, but two women in a single day, so I’ve had to admit that we’re no longer together. We just got married in April, and by September, I’d already filed a legal separation agreement. How could my marriage to this beautiful younger man have broken down so quickly? I really thought he was the one. I’d been married three times before, so I thought I was very experienced in identifying the one. This handsome young guy swept me off my feet, and I thought the feeling would last forever - or at least longer than a few months. Any advice as I search for my fifth husband?

- Ivana Trump

Dear Ivana,

When people get married because they think it’s a longtime love affair, they’ll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment.

- Joseph Campbell

Everyone is talking about the girl I brought home to mom on Thanksgiving. She’s a “cocktail waitress” in Las Vegas. I want everyone to know that she’s not the only person I’m seeing, though.

First of all, I’ve got a lot of pricey sponsorship contracts. I wouldn’t want the men with money to think I’m going to settle down with a girl like that. Secondly, I’m one of the most famous men in the country right now. Wouldn’t you use your celebrity to enjoy your life and date as many women as you can?

-Michael Phelps

Dear Michael,

Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over.

-Mason Cooley

I used to be the most talked about woman on television - or at least, I tried to be. Now it seems that a single show has entirely derailed my career.

“Rosie Live,” a variety show I put together featuring appearances by people like Clay Aiken, Liza Minnelli and Alanis Morissette, aired just once and won’t be airing again. It upsets me because the performers were all people I loved. Other people don’t have my great taste, though - only 5 million people watched the program. And those who did, like the critics, hated it.

I put a lot of hard work into it, just as I did each day on “The View,” when I used to come up with the most outrageous quote of the day. So why is my career in jeopardy because of one night of ratings?

- Rosie O’Donnell

Dear Rosie,

Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don’t fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgment, repeated every day.

-Jim Rohn

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