- The Washington Times - Thursday, February 14, 2008

Sen. Barack Obama easily claimed the Potomac primaries, as expected, because of his willingness to invade Pakistan and sit down and make nice with the lunatic midget from Iran.

The joyous feelings were omnipresent in the District on Tuesday night, when the Democratic primary results showing Mr. Obama’s good fortune were being flashed on television sets. Mr. Obama, of course, represents change and hope and all the other platitudes of the day. It is said he has a spirit that transcends politics, possibly because he has been on Capitol Hill only long enough to have a cup of coffee and has not really mastered the games politicians inevitably play.

It is understandable that the urban cesspools of our nation want to import their notion of good government to the unsophisticated of the flyover country. Misery loves company. The District is a bastion of blue, so much so that Sen. John McCain was declared the Republican primary winner after garnering only four votes. The statistical mavens who do the projections know that there are only seven Republicans left in the city, so the first candidate to receive four votes was the winner.

As a model of bureaucratic efficiency, starting with the property tax assessment office, the District long has been a shining beacon of hope to the rest of the nation. All Americans should have a chance to do business with public servants as dedicated as those in the District.

You have not experienced the true meaning of dedication until you have spent a day at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where victims of chronic fatigue syndrome push themselves to meet the unrealistic demands of the unwashed masses. It is absolutely amazing to see one victim of chronic fatigue syndrome slide an official piece of paper to another victim of chronic fatigue syndrome, with each person seemingly on the verge of passing out.

Chronic fatigue syndrome is so pervasive among the city’s public servants — it possibly is reaching the epidemic stage — that enterprising souls have started companies that do your bidding with the city for a tiny fee.

Mr. Obama is looking to bring this kind of long-awaited change to the country, for he is the candidate of change, in case you did not know. And as the candidate of change, he will be needing more of your spare change to increase the size of government and fix what ails this nation. After all, lawmakers tend to be bums in fancy suits.

Everyone should have the right to “free” health care, just as everyone should have the right to a home-mortgage bailout. It is just not fair that a “predatory” lender talked you into buying a house that you could not afford. So now your neighbors should help you out in your time of need. By the way, it also is not fair that you are at your limit on all your credit cards.

According to the 45th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, life is supposed to be fair. And if it is not fair, according to the 46th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, your representatives in government are supposed to take someone else’s hard-earned money and hand it over to you.

Some of us prefer to be mugged the old-fashioned way.

Anyway, change is coming. You can see it in the faces of the Halliburton sufferers who receive their talking points from MoveOn.org. You heard it in the voices of the comical D.C. residents who sat down with pollster Frank Luntz on the eve of the Potomac primaries this week.

Mr. Luntz asked these politically savvy voters to list all of Mr. Obama’s accomplishments. One person said he was a senator, another said he had voted for something or another, and still another took a pass on the question. But they sure liked Mr. Obama. He represents change, as you know.

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