- The Washington Times - Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’ve made my name as a public figure by telling it like it is. So I don’t understand why people are in such an uproar about recent remarks I made about presidential candidate Barack Obama. After all, I once used the word “Hymietown” to describe New York City and it didn’t stop me from becoming a contender for the Democratic presidential nomination later on.

With people so upset, it’s true that I’ve had to backtrack a bit and admit my words were “crude and hurtful.” At the same time, though, I wonder if perhaps the publicity my remarks have received has made people think more about the important political point I was getting at. Isn’t that the point of being a civil rights activist?

- Jesse Jackson

Dear Jesse,

True eloquence consists in saying all that should be said, and that only.

- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I’m writing for advice with a family problem. My sister and I have always been close, but now it seems she’s decided to cut all ties with me.

She’s upset, you see, that I’ve written a book about her. She’s worried that I might spill the beans on her charmed life, I guess.

If you’ve watched one of my many recent television appearances, you’ll see I’m not out for revenge. I’ve told people how our relationship was so close it was “like a marriage.” I’ve even defended her against the rumors that she broke up another man’s marriage, explaining to people she’s still a good Catholic girl at heart.

It’s obvious I’m still her brother and friend. So why won’t she speak to me?

- Christopher Ciccone

Dear Christopher,

Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable.

- Jean de La Fontaine

I’m in shock. I’m a big TV and movie star, but I’ve heard I’m now in danger of being written off the series I helped to make famous! Don’t you think that’s unfair?

The show’s writers apparently are unhappy about me telling the media that I pulled myself out of consideration for an Emmy because I didn’t think I had enough good writing to work with this past season. I don’t see what’s wrong with being honest, though. I’m a big star now, and I deserve to make my artistic views known.

This isn’t even the first time I’ve made my feelings about writers clear. I called the movie that made me a star “a little sexist” and said it was “hard for me to love.”

- Katherine Heigl

Dear Katherine,

Nothing more detestable does the Earth produce than an ungrateful person.

- Ausonius

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