- The Washington Times - Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Answers compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m looking for some financial advice. I have one of the most famous voices in the world. I’ve been a fixture of the small screen for almost 50 years. If I were to show up on your doorstep, you’d recognize me. (You’d also be suddenly rich.) So yeah, I’ve made a lot of money. I even have a $5 million house. But suddenly, I’m in danger of becoming homeless. It seems like all my millions have disappeared, and I can’t figure out where (besides the divorces). I’ve worked hard for five-plus decades now, so shouldn’t I be able to retire in luxury? How do I go about this? One of my many jobs was to hand out million-dollar checks. Should I just grab one of those?

- Ed McMahon

Dear Ed, It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans louder than an empty stomach. Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

I’ve always been ready to rumble, but now I can formally do it in the political arena - I just received the endorsement of my party this past weekend. I worry that what took them so long is their concern that I’m not a serious enough candidate. But isn’t there a long tradition of satirists who have helped transform the world? My book, “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right,” might be funny. But it’s also, at least in my view, true.

- Al Franken

Dear Al, Cervantes smiled Spain’s chivalry away; A single laugh demolish’d the right arm Of his own country; seldom since that day Has Spain had heroes. While Romance could charm, The world gave ground before her bright array; And therefore have his volumes done such harm, That all their glory, as a composition, Was dearly purchased by his land’s perdition.

Lord Byron

We don’t doubt that the photos of our new arrivals, when they finally pop out, will fetch more than the paltry $6 million Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony got for photos of their twins. Bidding already has topped $10 million. But we’re having trouble spending more money on preparations than that other celebrity couple. With a baby masseuse and 600-count crib sheets, they managed to lay down $1 million before their twins saw the light of day. We’ve only spent $140,000 on our nursery so far - and that includes Versailles-style cribs and pink crystal chandeliers. Any ideas on some baby bling?

- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

Dear Angelina and Brad, Recommend virtue to your children; it alone, not money, can make them happy. I speak from experience.

Ludwig van Beethoven

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