- The Washington Times - Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

They say to be careful what you wish for, and I’ve certainly found that to be true. The great success of my movie “Borat” has made it difficult for me to make any other films. You see, I shot to fame because I was so good at playing a character and tricking unsuspecting people into saying embarrassing things. Now that I’m so well known, though, I’m having trouble doing it again as I make my movie “Bruno.” As Bruno, a gay Austrian fashion reporter, I recently attended an anti-gay marriage rally - but people soon recognized the real me underneath the faux hawk. How am I supposed to do what I do best now that I’m a victim of my own success?

-Sacha Baron Cohen

Dear Sacha,

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

-Charles Darwin

It seems that nothing I do pleases people. I finally open up and share my deepest feelings with an interviewer, and people make fun of me for it. I said that every single guy I’ve gone with out has only used me for money, sex or fame. With the exception of my current boyfriend, of course, even if he is just a backing member of a semi-well-known band. People think I have the best life in the world, traveling the world, hopping from party to party and bed to bed. They seem to believe I’ve brought my problems upon myself. But don’t you agree that sometimes it can be hard to be so hot?

-Paris Hilton

Dear Paris,

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.

-Albert Einstein

I’ve gotten more attention by announcing I’m leaving the movies than I ever got the years I spent acting in them. I know I’m only 34 years old, but I’ve decided to retire. I’m just bored doing the same old thing all the time. (No, it’s not that I’m still bitter that Philip Seymour Hoffman won the Oscar over me, even though my co-star won her category. Or that I’ve barely made a ripple in the business since then.) I don’t see what the big deal is - you’d think Hollywood wasn’t going to survive losing a B-list actor. Anyway, I’m thinking of spending my time doing something different - like playing music and directing music videos. What do you think?

-Joaquin Phoenix

Dear Joaquin,

Don’t simply retire from something; have something to retire to.

-Harry Emerson Fosdick

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