Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m in shock. I’ve actually been convicted of a crime. I never thought this would happen to me. I figured that if I could win an acquittal when I was tried for killing my ex-wife and her friend, I could win an acquittal for anything — but I just got convicted of kidnapping and armed robbery. I might actually have to spend the rest of my life in prison.

This seems so unfair — it’s obvious the jurors in this case were really convicting me for that old case. Don’t you agree that once the case is quit, you must continue to acquit?

— O.J. Simpson

Dear O.J.,

Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don’t know why I’m writing to you — I’m pretty sure I’ll triumph in this little problem I have. You see, I’ve been charged with fraud and tax evasion.

People tell me this is pretty serious. If convicted, I could get a long prison sentence and maybe even be deported back to my native Brazil. However, I’m known for winning car races, and I feel confident I’ll win this one, too. Hey, I won a race this month while I was out on bail.

It’s not just car races I’m good at; I won “Dancing With the Stars,” too. What’s the big deal with what I may have done anyway? I’m a Brazilian — I just like living in America to reap fame and fortune. What do I need to pay so many taxes here for?

— Helio Castroneves

Dear Helio,

I like to pay taxes. With them, I buy civilization.

— Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I’ve declared my intent to run for a third term as New York City’s mayor. It doesn’t really matter to me that New York has term limits and I’m only allowed to serve two. These sorts of rules weren’t made for men like me.

I’m a billionaire, one of the 10 richest guys in the country. Because I’m so good at making money, it’s obvious I’d be the best person to cure this financial crisis we’re in right now.

Sure, it happened under my watch, and sure, New Yorkers have voted a couple times in the past 15 years for these term limits. However, don’t you think the financial capital of the world needs a financial guru like me right now?

— Michael Bloomberg

Dear Michael,

Poor men wanna be rich, rich men wanna be kings/

And a king ain’t satisfied till he rules everything.

Bruce Springsteen

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