- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m making headlines for my crazy behavior — yet again. You probably heard I was arrested at LAX recently for grabbing a camera out of a photographer’s hand and smashing it into little pieces on the ground. I don’t see why I was arrested. I didn’t hurt the paparazzo, after all. I need to keep people on their toes with a little loco — I have an image to maintain. If I didn’t do things like accuse the current president of the United States of racism and a past one of dropping crack into the ghettos, what kind of rapper would I be? You can’t be a hip-hop artist and a boring, normal citizen, can you?

— Kanye West

Dear Kanye,

Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.

— Flaubert

Everybody’s talking about me right now. And it’s not because my upcoming role in “Transformers 2” is considered Oscar-worthy. They say women should cultivate a little mystery, but I’m already considered the world’s sexiest, according to one magazine, so I thought I’d give guys more of what they want. I’m on the cover of the latest GQ wearing a teeny bikini and inside talking about my sex life.

Men can’t get enough of my comments about my former liaison with a Russian stripper (and Body Shop employee) named Nikita. Some people — maybe even my fiance — think I said too much. But don’t you think it’s important for women like me to bring sex out in the open and try to get rid of the repression in our society?

— Megan Fox

Dear Megan,

What is peculiar to modern societies is not that they consigned sex to a shadow existence, but that they dedicated themselves to speaking of it ad infinitum, while exploiting it as the secret.

— Michel Foucault

I don’t want to be known as a lazy prince, living off the public, so I’ve found myself a job. I’ve decided to become a full-time search-and-rescue pilot in the Royal Air Force. It doesn’t matter if what I’m searching and rescuing happens to be my millionaire girlfriend, does it? I’ve already used my training to land a chopper on her lawn. I’m not opposed to flying out to the boys, either — I used another one to get to a bachelor party. Don’t you think this new position allows me the best of both worlds, helping the public while enjoying royal prerogatives?

— Prince William

Dear William,

The monarchy is a labor-intensive industry.

— Harold Wilson

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