- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

It really does seem that when you’re trying to please everybody, you please nobody. I needed to choose a running mate, and I knew that there were a lot of demographics in which I needed a boost - women, evangelicals, people scared of angry men. I thought I made a good choice by injecting some fresh blood in the race, but it seems an unknown can sometimes turn out to be, well, unknown.

Christian conservatives already are a bit wary of me. Now I find out my VP pick has an unmarried teenage daughter who’s pregnant. And her husband was once arrested on drunk-driving charges. Now I look like I was just spitting in the face of those I was trying to court. What did I do wrong?

- John McCain

Dear John,

Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

How does one change from a mere philanderer into a sex addict? I need to know so I can explain myself. You see, I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar - more than once. So the only way to redeem myself is the way all Hollywood celebrities redeem themselves now - go to rehab. But I’m having trouble explaining what to many people seems a bit of a stretch. Do you think the fact that I’m on a show about a slightly obsessive, womanizing artist could have anything to do with this? It’s hard to be good, after all, when you get great ratings by playing someone so bad.

- David Duchovny

Dear David,

Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life. Life holds the mirror up to Art and either reproduces some strange type imagined by a painter or sculptor, or realises in fact what has been dreamed in fiction. Things are because we see them, and what we see, and how we see it, depends on the Arts that have influenced us.

- Oscar Wilde

I’m sure you get a lot of questions about family problems, but my dad is really driving me crazy. I’m not a child anymore, as anyone who reads New York magazine knows, but he insists on continuing to treat me like one. He disapproves of my close relationship with an older woman. He even accused her of using me to advance her own fame.

The biggest problem is that he voices all of these opinions in the media, letting the whole world know about his disapproval. I don’t even see or talk to my dad anymore - although I’m not above ribbing him in public myself. So why is our relationship still so dysfunctional?

- Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

All well-regulated families set apart an hour every morning for tea and bread and butter.

- Joseph Addison

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