Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I suppose I’m no stranger to boycotts. I’ve spearheaded boycotts of Pepsi and French products and thought about calling for one on Canadian products. I seem to be getting a lot of flack for a personal boycott, though.

I refuse to see the films of Sean Penn. Now, I’m not saying he’s not a good actor - he is. But I’m not interested in putting money in the pocket of a guy who has good things to say about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez. Admittedly, if I took this line with every liberal celebrity, I might not see many films. But don’t you think this guy Penn totally crosses the line?

- Bill O’Reilly

Dear Bill,

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

- Benjamin Disraeli

I really wanted to make my latest love affair work. We were giving things another shot after he humiliated me by unceremoniously dumping me and then playing kiss-and-tell with the press.

This time, I gave him the heave-ho. It wasn’t because of his loose lips, though. I got fed up being an Internet widow. My now-ex, John Mayer, is a musician but seemed to spend most of his time telling his followers every detail of his life on Twitter.

I got over him talking publicly about private things. I just didn’t think he’d spend all his time doing that and none lavishing on me the attention I deserve. Do you think I’m being too anti-technology? Twitter is the hot thing right now, and, well, so am I.

- Jennifer Aniston

Dear Jennifer,

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people.

- Karl Marx

I can’t catch a break. My latest movie, “Labor Pains,” isn’t getting a theatrical release. It’s going straight to cable - and not even a good channel, but ABC Family. I haven’t had a hit in ages, but it’s not my fault. People focus on my personal life, so I can’t get any good roles.

I just told a reporter that I have a lot of ambition. I’d like to do charity work, be in Oscar-worthy films, write and produce movies, make music, write books and design clothes. The only reason I can’t is that everyone judges me based on their wrong assumptions about my personal life.

How can I get people to focus on my talent instead of the tabloids?

- Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Ambition is the last refuge of failure.

- Oscar Wilde

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