- The Washington Times - Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

This is so embarrassing - again. It seems every time my love life collapses, it shows up in the tabloids. This time I’m only on the cover of one. The headline is “Why He Chose Renee” - and as you can see, my name isn’t Renee. I really thought I had a chance with this guy, Bradley Cooper. I certainly wanted one - he’s the hottest guy in Hollywood right now.

I’m starting to think that dating well-known actors and musicians might not be working for me. But I’m one of the hottest women in Hollywood; don’t I belong with someone of my own stature?

- Jennifer Aniston

Dear Jennifer,

I think all great innovations are built on rejections.

- Louis Ferdinand Celine

My husband has talked me into checking myself into rehab. I really didn’t want to. OK, maybe people think I drink too much. And maybe people thought it was weird that I recently demanded everything around me, from flowers to food, be yellow. But booze makes me feel better.

I can’t say my career is so hot right now. I haven’t been in a big movie in years. Actually, I haven’t been in any movie in years. I’m still a sex symbol, though. Is it so wrong for me to drown my sorrows over not being recognized as one?

- Melanie Griffith

Dear Melanie,

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

- Finley Peter Dunne

We’ve decided to go public with our relationship. It’s wrong to hide in the shadows, isn’t it?

The problem is, the move seems to have made Eddie’s soon-to-be-ex-wife nuts. She’s been making snide remarks to reporters. We suppose she might be upset that he first denied he was seeing someone, and he let her call LeAnn just a stalker. We wanted to protect our families.

Now that we’ve decided to be together, we’ve really decided to be together - at a restaurant, a concert, a golf course. Why can’t people just let two people in love enjoy themselves?

- LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian

LeAnn and Eddie,

Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.

- Donald H. Rumsfeld

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