- The Washington Times - Sunday, December 6, 2009

Security will be at an all-time high for Super Bowl XLIV down in Miami. The Associated Press described the scene at Land Shark Stadium last week thusly:

“A swath of the parking lot was filled with armored SWAT vehicles, bomb-handling robots, mobile command posts, explosive-sniffing dogs, even a large X-ray device used by the U.S. Homeland Security Department to screen ocean-going shipping containers.”

So don’t worry, everybody. There’s absolutely no way Michaele Salahi will be able to sneak in as a cheerleader.

***

Can you believe this chick? Not only does she crash President Obama’s state dinner with her husband, she also tries to pass herself off as a former Redskinette — even though none of the cheerleaders of her, uh, vintage, remember her.

We’ll know she’s gone off the deep end if, after Sunday’s game, Jason Campbell says he “heard a female voice” on his helmet radio at one point “telling me to send everybody long.”

***

You’ve gotta hand it to Jets coach Rex Ryan. His rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez, didn’t know how to slide properly at the end of a run, so Ryan brought in Yankees manager Joe Girardi to tutor him.

Alas, Sanchez didn’t show much improvement in Thursday’s game against the Bills — which really isn’t that surprising. Girardi, let’s not forget, stole just 44 bases in his 15 major league seasons and got thrown out 41.3 percent of the time.

***

Next time, Rex, try Derek Jeter (305 thefts, 79.2 percent success rate).

***

Can’t decide which is more alarming, the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson getting pulled over for going 109 mph in a 55 mph zone or a police spokeswoman calling it a “very routine” traffic stop.

Yikes. It’s routine for Minnesotans to drive 54 mph over the speed limit? Obviously, we’ve completely misled by Garrison Keillor’s bow tie.

***

Just two days after Peterson was ticketed, teammate Bernard Berrian got clocked at 104 mph. Vikes owner Zygi Wilf must really miss the good old days. Party boats on Lake Minnetonka don’t go much faster than 20 knots.

***

First Northeastern drops football, then Hofstra. If this keeps up, they’ll have to change the name of the conference to the Colonial Two.

***

Great Moments in Hofstra Football History:

Sept. 24, 2000 — Wideout Wayne Chrebet (Hofstra, 1991-94) catches the winning touchdown pass with 52 seconds left as the Jets upset the unbeaten Bucs 21-17. Just days earlier, Chrebet’s former Jets teammate, Keyshawn Johnson, had said of him, “You’re trying to compare a flashlight to a star. Flashlights only last so long. A star is in the sky forever. He’s not even close to me, and anyone who knows football knows that.” (The Jets held Johnson to one reception for 1 yard that day.)

***

Great Moments in Northeastern Football History:

Jan. 24, 1982 — Tight end Dan Ross (Northeastern, 1975-78) makes two fourth-quarter TD grabs in Super Bowl XVI — and finishes with 11 catches for 104 yards — but his Bengals team loses to the 49ers 26-21. The 11 receptions are still a Super Bowl record (now shared by Jerry Rice, Deion Branch and Wes Welker).

***

This week’s Sports Challenge: Which of following remarks have been attributed to Mark Mangino, the recently resigned Kansas football coach, and which were made by Doug Neidermeyer, the insufferable ROTC leader in the movie “Animal House”?

1. “You’re all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me 20!”

2. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to send you back to St. Louis so you can get shot with your homies.”

3. “You fat, disgusting slob! You’re a [expletive deleted] disgrace!”

4. “Are you going to be a lawyer, or do you want to become an alcoholic like your dad?”

5. “A pledge pin! On your uniform!”

Answers: 1. Neidermeyer, 2. Mangino, 3. Neidermeyer, 4. Mangino, 5. Neidermeyer

***

According to the film, by the way, Neidermeyer met his demise when he was “killed in Vietnam by his own troops.” So I guess Mangino got off easy.

***

It isn’t all bad for Tiger Woods. I mean, he just took the Tour lead in Hydrants Hit in Regulation.

***

One of the police photos of Woods’ banged-up SUV showed a paperback on the back-seat floor — “Get a Grip on Physics.” The book, it turns out, is part of a series that also includes “Get a Grip on Philosophy,” “Get a Grip on Astronomy” and “Get a Grip on Genetics.” I’m sure Tiger has already placed an advance order for “Get a Grip on the Steering Wheel.”

***

Number of the Week: 393,956. (How many spots “Get a Grip on Physics” jumped in the Amazon sales rankings a day after the photos’ release, according to the Wall Street Journal.)

***

Woods has reportedly redone the prenuptial agreement with wife Elin Nordegren to encourage her to stay in the marriage. He must have really sweetened the deal. Elin is now third on the career money list.

***

I’ve got no problem with Marion Jones attempting a comeback as a basketball player — as long as Carl Lewis doesn’t attempt a comeback as a singer.

***

Lewis, you may recall, took a stab at the national anthem once before an NBA game. When he was done, he was lucky he wasn’t stripped of his citizenship.

***

Elsewhere in hoops, Ron Artest told Sporting News he used to sneak swigs of cognac at halftime of games early in his career because he was so distraught over the Bulls’ losing.

That’s right, folks, he’d routinely drink and drive… to the basket.

***

Now I’m really worried about the Nets. Maybe David Stern should organize an intervention before it’s too late. Artest’s Chicago teams, after all, never started the season worse than 0-5 — and he still hit the bottle.

***

And finally…

Why, you’re probably wondering, was Ron drinking something so high-end (Hennessy, to be specific)? My best guess: He misunderstood when his coach said, “You need to improve your shot selection.”


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