- The Washington Times - Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I can’t believe I’m writing to ask for advice. I’ve got the life every man wants. At least, that’s what people used to think.

Until recently, I lived in a huge mansion with three beautiful young blondes. Now that they’re moving out and moving on, they’ve started to talk about what life was really like. One, Kendra Wilkinson, just told a magazine that we didn’t sleep together much and that she “had to have sex every now and then,” so she got it on the side.

This girl is killing me. Sure, I’m 82, but I’m the king of a porn empire, so people expect a lot from me. Am I wrong to be upset that people know I probably don’t have much more sex than they do?

- Hugh Hefner

Dear Hef,

One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything, except a good reputation.

- Oscar Wilde

I just went through a really tough divorce, so I thought I deserved a little treat. I’m 69 and started dating a 27-year-old actress.

I liked the idea of everyone knowing about this dalliance. It makes me feel young. I’m just worried that perhaps a little too much information has gone public. This young woman recently told people that I’m in good shape - “for an old guy.” She said old men are “normally saggy down there,” but not me. Besides telling people the good things - that I work out and take care of myself - she talked about those things I normally keep quiet about. You know, hair plugs and dental work.

I suppose it’s a Catch-22. I want people to know how young and virile I seem, but in doing so, I seem to be coming off as a bit of a dirty old man. How can I solve this dilemma?

- John Cleese

Dear John,

Employ some discretion: loud opinion forces us to do so; but in privacy and silence let us compensate ourselves for that cruel chastity we are obliged to display in public.

- Marquis De Sade

I’m glad I didn’t echo Sally Field’s famous Oscar speech when I won two Golden Globes. I thought the double win meant people liked me, but given the reception my second speech got, that’s not quite true.

It seems every single paper in London ran a piece criticizing my awards-show performance. Yes, I was pretty emotional, but I’m known for getting lots of nominations, but never winning any awards, so I was simply overwhelmed when I won not one, but two Golden Globes.

I spoke from the heart about how much they meant to me, and I thanked as many people as I could think of. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who wins an award and then spends the rest of her career hoping to win another so she can thank the spouse she forgot the first time around.

There’s a chance I’ll have to step up to the podium again soon. The BAFTA Awards are in just over two weeks, and the Oscars are a couple weeks after that. Should I talk off the cuff as I did at the Globes, and risk the critics’ glares again, or have a speech prepared, and seem a little presumptuous about a win?

- Kate Winslet

Dear Kate,

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

- Mark Twain

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